Lleauric
09-05-2005, 07:52 PM
from http://www.ship-of-fools.com/Features/2005/laugh_judgment_results.html
The "Best" jokes are alot funnier.. but these were shorter. :devil
1.
A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little boy turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
2.
Q: How does Jesus masturbate?
A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]
3.
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.
4.
Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!"
Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."
At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.
St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."
Jesus: "Bugger off!"
Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."
Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God.
Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."
God: "Tell him to get lost!"
Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."
God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fuckin' wooden one!"
5.
What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A bigger parish.
6.
A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.
"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"
The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.
"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.
"Is there time?" asks the priest.
7.
What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
8.
Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
9.
Q: What's white and zips across the sky at 100 mph followed by a band of angels?
A: The coming of the Lord.
10.
An Arab man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.
"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Arab man.
St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"
The "Best" jokes are alot funnier.. but these were shorter. :devil
1.
A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little boy turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car -- and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
2.
Q: How does Jesus masturbate?
A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]
3.
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.
4.
Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!"
Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."
At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on.
St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."
Jesus: "Bugger off!"
Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."
Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God.
Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."
God: "Tell him to get lost!"
Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."
God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fuckin' wooden one!"
5.
What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A bigger parish.
6.
A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.
"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"
The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.
"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.
"Is there time?" asks the priest.
7.
What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
8.
Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
9.
Q: What's white and zips across the sky at 100 mph followed by a band of angels?
A: The coming of the Lord.
10.
An Arab man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.
"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Arab man.
St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"