fildien
10-04-2005, 04:02 PM
This is from the SoE boards and very well done in my opinion.
<court herald> All Rise! We will now convene the court of Illusionary Equity, the Honorable Justice Larry presiding. All those with grievances please make your case and all will be heard.
<Defense Attorney> I object!
<court herald> You cant object, the trial hasn’t even started.
<Defense Attorney> The judge is a Grim Spellbinder! I demand to know who summoned him!
<court herald> He wasn’t summoned, he was next in the judges pool. Objection overruled!
[the defense lawyer sits down and Larry starts playing with the gavel]
<court herald> The first case on the docket is the matter of everyone VS. SOE who is charged with Malothropic Changeus Updatopothy. The defendant wishes to enter a plea of Not Guilty be reason of Corporate Conglomorationismist. The first witness will step to the bench.
[a stooping figure sits in the chair, dented helm in his lap]
<Helmut Von Crashenhiemer> “Hello, im a Guardian, I fight monsters and I have just been awful since the defendant decided to rearrange the world. I mean it takes work now to kill anything, like the other day I was walking along and saw this butterfly and I thought to myself, ‘Why not just whack its wings off’ I ended up in the Guild Infirmary with wing burns all over my face. Do you know how embarrassing that was.”
[the crowd mutters in sympathy]
[judge Larry bangs his gavel on the desk]
<court herald> Quiet in the courtroom! Does the prosecution have any question?
<prosecutor> Yes, if it pleases the court. Mr Crahenhiemer, your contention is that you used to be uber is that correct.
<Helmut Von Crashenhiemer> Yes, I used to be uber, like I would look at things and they would fall over dead. Or like when I was with a group I could balance my checkbook while I was getting beat on.
<prosecutor> And now you are sub-uber?
<Helmut Von Crashenhiemer> Oh yes, very sub, sub-sub one might say.
<prosecutor> No further questions.
<defense attorney> Mr ….
<prosecutor> I object your honor!
<court herald> On what grounds.
<prosecutor> The defense is attempting to defend itself.
[Judge Larry throws jelly beans at the defense attorney]
<court herald> Objection sustained, the defense will not question the witness!
<defense attorney> But…..
<court herald> Sit down! Next witness.
[Helmut von Crashenhiemer steps down, clinking and clanking back out of the courtroom]
<prosecutor> The prosecution calls Alouishous the Owl Bear.
[a shaggy owlbear shambles into the room and takes the stand]
<prosecutor> Mr Alouishous, can you tell me what happened to you on September the 12th of this year.
<Alouishous> Well, I went to sleep like usual on the Eleventh, I had a small snack of rabbit and possum and wanted to get up early because I was getting my feathers trimmed the next morning. I got up and was just sort of ambling down the lane when here comes this group of humans and elves down the path. ‘Uh oh’ I thought to myself, ‘Here comes trouble.’ So I just sort of went off the path but they all looked so tasty and me with only a measly rabbit in my tummy. Well they attacked me first as it stands and I thought that there were a few too many of them, but lo and behold wham bam they were all dead!
<prosecutor> Just like that.
<Alouishous> Oh yes, it was soooo funny, you should have seen the look on their faces.
<prosecutor> And you killed them all?
<Alouishous> Well, I sort of let them scatter a bit before I killed them, then I let the healer run off a ways, he kept looking over his shoulder at me, I just kept running and running until he got tired and the WHAMO! He was a little gamey but I had some salt and a little pepper with me so he wasn’t too bad.
[Judge Larry laughs hysterically and bangs the gavel on his head]
<prosecutor> No more questions.
<defense attorney> Mr Alouishous, is it your testimony that you were the only Owl Bear in the area that attacked this party?
<prosecutor> OBJECTION!
<court herald> On what grounds.
<prosecutor> The defense is trying to confuse the issue with facts your honor.
[Judge Larry wedges the gavel in his skull socket and bangs his head on the bench]
<court herald> Objection sustained! The defense will cease and desist its practice of using facts or she will be held in contempt!
<defense attorney> But…!!!
<court herald> Sit down! Next witness.
[the owl bear departs]
<prosecutor> I call as my next witness Mr. Ima Leaving.
[a grumpy dwarf sits in the witness chair, his head barley peering over the rail.]
<defense attorney> I Object!
<court herald> On what grounds.
<defense attorney> That dwarf is from WOW, that’s not an EQ dwarf, he cannot testify here!
<prosecutor> Your honor, this dwarf was an EQ dwarf before he transformed to a WOW dwarf, his EQ dwarfness is pending cancellation which is why he is here.
[Judge Larry reached over and pats the dwarf on his head]
<court herald> Objection Overruled, the dwarf may testify!
<prosecutor> Mr Leaving, can you tell us what, if anything, happened to you on September the 12th and the days following.
<Ima Leaving> Ya can bet I can tell ya laddie. It were terrible, there was mobs to the left, mobs to the right and not’in but me and me axe. They was orange they was, aggo mobs, just how I like em mind ya. I solo ya hear, I got this body odor problem and I ‘canna get in a group so easy. These was the same rotten bags o flesh I were killin the day before so I has at em, whack and slash.
<prosecutor> So you say that you had successfully killed these mobs before.
<Ima Leaving> Aye laddie, mowed em down, loot as far as the eye could see. But not that day, oh no, those devils [points at the defendants over the rail] nerfed me and I got killed, I left three shards there before I gave it up.
[crowd murmers]
<prosecutor> What a travesty. Then what did you do?
<Ima Leaving> I did wha’ any self respectin person would do, I canceled my account and then posted as many rants as I could before they locked me. Im over at WOW now.
<prosecutor> So you no longer wish to remain in the realm?
<Ima Leaving> Not on your buttons buster, I don’t come here to think for gods sake!
<court herald> A message from the jury!
[the security ogre hands the note to the Judge Larry who promptly eats it]
[court herald talks to the jury foremonster]
<court herald> Mr. Leaving, the jury wishes to know if they can have your stuff?
<prosecutor> I Object!!!!!
<court herald> On what grounds.
<prosecutor> I wanted his stuff!
<court herald> Objection overruled, Mr. Leaving will leave his stuff with the bailiff so that I can go through it later. Witness will step down!
[the angry dwarf stomps out of the room pulling off his armor as he goes]
<court herald> Summations!
<prosecutor> The evidence has all pointed to the same conclusion, the defendant did willfully nerf everything in sight on September the Twelfth. The audacity of such a move is unprecedented in the history of… well everything. To subject these fine citizens to the terrible fate of thinking their characters through can only be the product of a twisted and sick mind. How DARE they put these poor people in harms way like that. Why the very idea that some thought and creativity be employed is heinous. Look at poor Mr. Leaving, gone forever to WOW. What will this do to us a the next Video Gaming Conference, how will we even get enough people together for the tug-o-war contest. Ladies and Gentlemen, I ask you for a verdict of guilty!
[applause from the crowd]
<defense attorney> Ladies and Gen…..
<prosecutor> OBJECTION!!!!!
<defense attorney> I haven’t even stared yet!!!!!
<prosecutor> Your going to try to make sense aren’t you!!!!! Admit it, I know how you work, reason and logic and all that!
<court herald> Order in the court.
<defense attorney> Your all crazy!!!!!!
<prosecutor> HA! See! She thinks were all crazy. Were not the crazy ones, SHES the crazy one!
<defense attorney> This is useless.
<prosecutor> Oh yea, well so are you… nya nya nya!
<defense attorney> [shouting] My client demands a mistrial, we want a change of venue to another court!
[A bee flies in the window and Judge Larry jumps up and begins chasing it]
<court herald> The court will recess. We will reconvene after LU 14!!!!!
<court herald> All Rise! We will now convene the court of Illusionary Equity, the Honorable Justice Larry presiding. All those with grievances please make your case and all will be heard.
<Defense Attorney> I object!
<court herald> You cant object, the trial hasn’t even started.
<Defense Attorney> The judge is a Grim Spellbinder! I demand to know who summoned him!
<court herald> He wasn’t summoned, he was next in the judges pool. Objection overruled!
[the defense lawyer sits down and Larry starts playing with the gavel]
<court herald> The first case on the docket is the matter of everyone VS. SOE who is charged with Malothropic Changeus Updatopothy. The defendant wishes to enter a plea of Not Guilty be reason of Corporate Conglomorationismist. The first witness will step to the bench.
[a stooping figure sits in the chair, dented helm in his lap]
<Helmut Von Crashenhiemer> “Hello, im a Guardian, I fight monsters and I have just been awful since the defendant decided to rearrange the world. I mean it takes work now to kill anything, like the other day I was walking along and saw this butterfly and I thought to myself, ‘Why not just whack its wings off’ I ended up in the Guild Infirmary with wing burns all over my face. Do you know how embarrassing that was.”
[the crowd mutters in sympathy]
[judge Larry bangs his gavel on the desk]
<court herald> Quiet in the courtroom! Does the prosecution have any question?
<prosecutor> Yes, if it pleases the court. Mr Crahenhiemer, your contention is that you used to be uber is that correct.
<Helmut Von Crashenhiemer> Yes, I used to be uber, like I would look at things and they would fall over dead. Or like when I was with a group I could balance my checkbook while I was getting beat on.
<prosecutor> And now you are sub-uber?
<Helmut Von Crashenhiemer> Oh yes, very sub, sub-sub one might say.
<prosecutor> No further questions.
<defense attorney> Mr ….
<prosecutor> I object your honor!
<court herald> On what grounds.
<prosecutor> The defense is attempting to defend itself.
[Judge Larry throws jelly beans at the defense attorney]
<court herald> Objection sustained, the defense will not question the witness!
<defense attorney> But…..
<court herald> Sit down! Next witness.
[Helmut von Crashenhiemer steps down, clinking and clanking back out of the courtroom]
<prosecutor> The prosecution calls Alouishous the Owl Bear.
[a shaggy owlbear shambles into the room and takes the stand]
<prosecutor> Mr Alouishous, can you tell me what happened to you on September the 12th of this year.
<Alouishous> Well, I went to sleep like usual on the Eleventh, I had a small snack of rabbit and possum and wanted to get up early because I was getting my feathers trimmed the next morning. I got up and was just sort of ambling down the lane when here comes this group of humans and elves down the path. ‘Uh oh’ I thought to myself, ‘Here comes trouble.’ So I just sort of went off the path but they all looked so tasty and me with only a measly rabbit in my tummy. Well they attacked me first as it stands and I thought that there were a few too many of them, but lo and behold wham bam they were all dead!
<prosecutor> Just like that.
<Alouishous> Oh yes, it was soooo funny, you should have seen the look on their faces.
<prosecutor> And you killed them all?
<Alouishous> Well, I sort of let them scatter a bit before I killed them, then I let the healer run off a ways, he kept looking over his shoulder at me, I just kept running and running until he got tired and the WHAMO! He was a little gamey but I had some salt and a little pepper with me so he wasn’t too bad.
[Judge Larry laughs hysterically and bangs the gavel on his head]
<prosecutor> No more questions.
<defense attorney> Mr Alouishous, is it your testimony that you were the only Owl Bear in the area that attacked this party?
<prosecutor> OBJECTION!
<court herald> On what grounds.
<prosecutor> The defense is trying to confuse the issue with facts your honor.
[Judge Larry wedges the gavel in his skull socket and bangs his head on the bench]
<court herald> Objection sustained! The defense will cease and desist its practice of using facts or she will be held in contempt!
<defense attorney> But…!!!
<court herald> Sit down! Next witness.
[the owl bear departs]
<prosecutor> I call as my next witness Mr. Ima Leaving.
[a grumpy dwarf sits in the witness chair, his head barley peering over the rail.]
<defense attorney> I Object!
<court herald> On what grounds.
<defense attorney> That dwarf is from WOW, that’s not an EQ dwarf, he cannot testify here!
<prosecutor> Your honor, this dwarf was an EQ dwarf before he transformed to a WOW dwarf, his EQ dwarfness is pending cancellation which is why he is here.
[Judge Larry reached over and pats the dwarf on his head]
<court herald> Objection Overruled, the dwarf may testify!
<prosecutor> Mr Leaving, can you tell us what, if anything, happened to you on September the 12th and the days following.
<Ima Leaving> Ya can bet I can tell ya laddie. It were terrible, there was mobs to the left, mobs to the right and not’in but me and me axe. They was orange they was, aggo mobs, just how I like em mind ya. I solo ya hear, I got this body odor problem and I ‘canna get in a group so easy. These was the same rotten bags o flesh I were killin the day before so I has at em, whack and slash.
<prosecutor> So you say that you had successfully killed these mobs before.
<Ima Leaving> Aye laddie, mowed em down, loot as far as the eye could see. But not that day, oh no, those devils [points at the defendants over the rail] nerfed me and I got killed, I left three shards there before I gave it up.
[crowd murmers]
<prosecutor> What a travesty. Then what did you do?
<Ima Leaving> I did wha’ any self respectin person would do, I canceled my account and then posted as many rants as I could before they locked me. Im over at WOW now.
<prosecutor> So you no longer wish to remain in the realm?
<Ima Leaving> Not on your buttons buster, I don’t come here to think for gods sake!
<court herald> A message from the jury!
[the security ogre hands the note to the Judge Larry who promptly eats it]
[court herald talks to the jury foremonster]
<court herald> Mr. Leaving, the jury wishes to know if they can have your stuff?
<prosecutor> I Object!!!!!
<court herald> On what grounds.
<prosecutor> I wanted his stuff!
<court herald> Objection overruled, Mr. Leaving will leave his stuff with the bailiff so that I can go through it later. Witness will step down!
[the angry dwarf stomps out of the room pulling off his armor as he goes]
<court herald> Summations!
<prosecutor> The evidence has all pointed to the same conclusion, the defendant did willfully nerf everything in sight on September the Twelfth. The audacity of such a move is unprecedented in the history of… well everything. To subject these fine citizens to the terrible fate of thinking their characters through can only be the product of a twisted and sick mind. How DARE they put these poor people in harms way like that. Why the very idea that some thought and creativity be employed is heinous. Look at poor Mr. Leaving, gone forever to WOW. What will this do to us a the next Video Gaming Conference, how will we even get enough people together for the tug-o-war contest. Ladies and Gentlemen, I ask you for a verdict of guilty!
[applause from the crowd]
<defense attorney> Ladies and Gen…..
<prosecutor> OBJECTION!!!!!
<defense attorney> I haven’t even stared yet!!!!!
<prosecutor> Your going to try to make sense aren’t you!!!!! Admit it, I know how you work, reason and logic and all that!
<court herald> Order in the court.
<defense attorney> Your all crazy!!!!!!
<prosecutor> HA! See! She thinks were all crazy. Were not the crazy ones, SHES the crazy one!
<defense attorney> This is useless.
<prosecutor> Oh yea, well so are you… nya nya nya!
<defense attorney> [shouting] My client demands a mistrial, we want a change of venue to another court!
[A bee flies in the window and Judge Larry jumps up and begins chasing it]
<court herald> The court will recess. We will reconvene after LU 14!!!!!