One day a guy died and found himself in hell.

As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow.

You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

A guy dies and goes to hell.

The Devil tells him, "You have your choice of three rooms," opens the door to the first room, and everyone is up to their waists in shit.

The Devil opens the door to the second room, and everyone is treading water in piss.

The Devil opens the door to the third room, and everyone is sitting on stools, in diarrhea up to their ankles, drinking coffee.

The guy says to The Devil, "I'll definitely take room number three."
They get him a stool, he sits down, and then bring him a up of coffee.

A few minutes later, The Devil yells, "Okay, on your heads. Coffee break's over."

A guy dies and goes to Heaven.
Saint Peter welcomes him, and tells him to not hesitate if he has any complaint.

After a week, Saint Peter receives a message, there is a complaint actually.

"-Well now, tell me your problem."
"-You see, I'm a bit coldish here, all the pure air and clouds everywhere... Don't you have a warmer place I could go?"
"-Mhmmm well, yes, I could let you go to Purgatory, it's a bit warmer but..."
"-It's ok it's ok, send me there please!"

Same deal, Saint Peter asks him to let him know if anything goes wrong.
One week after, a new complaint.

"-Yes? Is it too harsh for you?"
"-No no, but still... It's really cold here, heaters aren't working well, everyone is so gloomy... Please tell me you have a warmer place!"
"-I... I have one yes but... But..."
"-No but, send me there!"
"-But it's Hell! You really want to go to Hell?"
"-If it's warmer, I don't mind, send me there!"

And so did Saint Peter, promising himself to watch after the poor fellow.

One week goes, no news. Another one, nothing. After one month, Saint Peter is worried and feels sorry for the guy, he decides to pay him a visit in Hell.

He walked all down there, gets his special keypass, opens Hell's Door, when a roaring voice shouts :

"-Close the damn DOOOOOOR!"