Jay Leno on John Kerry

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." - Jay Leno

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential
election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." - Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." - Jay Leno

"President Bush listed his income as $822,000. You know what John Kerry calls someone who earns $822,000? Not even worth dating." - Jay Leno

"Well th! e good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."'! - Jay Leno

"John Kerry accused President Bush of catering to the rich.
You know, as opposed to John Kerry who just marries them." - Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential
candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" - Jay Leno

Hahaha!

*swish*

>"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential
candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" - Jay Leno

haha owned

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.
David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
David Letterman

From The Daily Show:
"I was not elected to serve one party." —George W. Bush (video overlay)
"You were not elected." —Jon Stewart
"I have something else to ask you, to ask every American. I ask you to pray for this great nation." —Bush
"We're way ahead of you." —Jon Stewart

"Well if you're just waking up, the election is over and we have a president, George W. Bush. This is nice, for everyone who wondered what it would be like if Dan Quayle was president, well, here you go." —David Letterman

"If they have all those biological weapons, why didn't they use them when we invaded them?" asked Jon Stewart on the Comedy Channel's ``The Daily Show.''

"Because they didn't want to give us the satisfaction. That's how evil they are."


Best of David Letterman's George Bush jokes
Some sad news. Over the weekend President Bush's dog, Spot, passed away. The family flew the dog back to Texas and he was buried at the ranch - right next to 10,000 Al Gore ballots.

President Bush's approval rating is now down under 50 percent. So now what he's going to have to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again
-Letterman

Kind of an awkward moment today at the White House. They were searching around for President Bush's old military records and they found some Al Gore ballots.
-Letterman

President Bush says that they cannot find his military records from the '70s. But they sure have no problem finding pictures of John Kerry with Jane Fonda from the '70s. He has that in his wallet!
-Letterman

Did you see the Daytona 500? President Bush was there but he left before the race was finished - just like his National Guard duty
-Letterman

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration."
—David Letterman

"Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." —David Letterman

"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." —David Letterman

"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." —David Letterman

"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." —David Letterman

"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." —David Letterman

"CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk." —David Letterman

"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." —David Letterman

"President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20." —David Letterman

"President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense — he wants to know what was going on, too." —David Letterman