Without getting too detailed since the show hasn't aired yet (though look for it on the 28th!), yesterday I worked on a piece for a television show which successfully kept me awake all night thinking - hence the real early AM post. The long and short of it was a 14 year old girl was murdered and the case is unsolved. As the facts came in, slowly, over the past 7 years it became evident to these parents that their daughter was practically living 2 lives - one inside their home and one outside. They knew she spent a lot of time on the phone with friends, they assumed they were friends from school. They spent a lot of time checking up with her "where are you going? when will you be back? who will you be with?" and it turns out that she just lied her way through every examination. Yesterday her old diary was released to them from the police, they sifted through it for the first time in 7 years and it was unbelievably obvious this girl had no self esteme and wanted to be on the "in crowd" so much she was willing to sleep with any "cool" guy who asked, mostly 18-21 year olds. There were entries about parties and the parents couldn't even remember taking her to these events: "The only partys she ever went to were birthday parties at rec centers or things like that, and we would drive her." Her parents are some of the nicest people I've ever met and I can't find fault with their parenting other than maybe being a little too strict and pushing her the other direction - which is something I think a lot of people would have a natural tendency towards. And again, without getting too much into the details, it also seemed that the main catalyst for this girl's troubles was a friend of hers without any strict parenting who was able to push her in the wrong direction, help her lie when needed, and get her the pregnancy tests when she needed one (which presumably led the girl's murder). This "friend" was described by the detectives as "an inconvenience at best to her parents".

All through this, I couldn't help but think of the Right To Life march that disrupted my commute a week ago. With so many unwanted children out there in the world already, and with the orphanages accross the country/world packed to capacity, where are all these new unwanted children to go? And when I asked a few of the marchers if they've adopted, well all of them obviously said no or I wouldn't be ranting about it. They couldn't believe I even thought the two subjects were related.

I'll lie to my grandchild-desiring mom and tell her I'm not interested in having kids, when the fact of the matter is I'm terrified. Given all of the things going against kids and their families today (autism and similiar diseases, not to mention crime and drugs and sex and all that), despite the financial burden that I'd rather not have to carry for a while. I'm sure one day I'll outgrow this fear, and I know my girlfriend and I both would we willing to adopt than conceive, though there's really nothing we could do short of a military state to prevent our future hypothetical child from living a double life like this 14 year old.

I asked her dad if it was worth it, having 14 years of joy followed by the 7 years of pain. He said yes, but I'm pretty sure he was lying. Now looking back I see there wasn't really much of a point to all of this, but it feels a little bit better getting it off my chest. Really wish I had some answers or wisdom to throw at this one though.

I asked her dad if it was worth it, having 14 years of joy followed by the 7 years of pain. He said yes, but I'm pretty sure he was lying. Now looking back I see there wasn't really much of a point to all of this, but it feels a little bit better getting it off my chest. Really wish I had some answers or wisdom to throw at this one though.

Being a father myself, and knowing how I feel about my girls, I'd bet he's not lying. There is nothing that would make me regret/question the worth of even just the 4 years I've spent with my oldest daughter.

Kids see all this adulation in the media and by society of people doing what she was, but never the reality of how dangerous living life that way truly is.

Case in point, we all know who Paris Hilton is. She is a rich socialite whose only claim to fame is she is a rich socialite. But the reality of the situatiuon is, without her money to protect her, she'd be just as dead as the nameless 14 year old in your story.

You say that beyond a Police State, there is no way to protect a kid. This is where I say you are correct. Following up on a kid, even when they have not given you a reason to, could have helped prevent this situation. In my house, anyone under the age of 18 has very little right to privacy. That increases as they reach the age of emancipation, but subject to revocation at anytime. The home isn't a Democracy, as far as children are concerned.

While I see they drove her to birthday parties at rec centers, ect, did they ever go to her school to have lunch with her? Go to the party to help supervise? It shows involvement, but more importantly it send the message to the kid,' I can and will show up at any point in time. You better be where you are supposed to be'. In fact, I had lunch with my son at his school last week. he is 13, and you should have seen the look on his face when he saw me sitting in the lunchroom.

Did they know who her friends were, and steer her away from this girl who was a bad influence? I'm not saying the parents were totally to blame, but part of what happened is thier responsibility. I am responsible for anything my son does, whether I am physically there or not. What you impart to children makes you responsible.

It certainly isn't easy raising children in today's society and it isn't for the faint of heart. But the rewards can be worth it. And believe the father when he says it was worth it. While nothing can ease the death of a child to the parent, the 14 years she was alive probably comes close.

Those people may be the nicest people you've ever met, but that's not indicative of good parenting. It's perfectly feasible to raise good kids in this day and age, but it (as it has always) takes more involvement than just managing them as you would a UPS employee.

Use their failure as an object lesson, not a scarecrow.

In my very humble opinion and as someone who has been right where those parents are with thinking their kid is doing all the right things only to find out otherwise... I'd say that early childhoold development and constant interaction wiht your kids is paramount to them properly adjusting as adults. If you father/mother a child then you need to put your fun life on hold and help your children grow into well adjusted adults.

I truly believe the early years will make or break the later years (teenage) but then there are also other factors like mental illness. Being a parent isn't a title or a right it's a responisbility. Good parents already know this and do what is needed. But you also have to accept that even when you do everything right or try to do everything right sometimes you have no control over situations. It's a shame when a young life is cut short regardless of the circumstances.

There are certain things you can control with kids and certain things you just can not. You can hope that you are raising them to have good judgement and sense....time is the only thing that will tell.

All very good points from the parents above. The fact that you were kept up all night thinking about this stuff indicates to me that you will be a great father when the time comes Kelraz.

The only thing I can add extends Fildien's thoughts. Early childhood development and interaction with your kids is key. Simple things like the family sitting down together for meals goes a very long way to keep in touch with the inner going ons of your child.

The parents that let their kids sit in their room with an x-box / tv / instant messenger and go about their selfish lives are asking for trouble, a lot of trouble.

Your kids become you. If you have zero interaction with them then they will seek out other alternatives to emulate. Looks like thats what happened in the story you described.


Cheers,

I sat down with my parents for dinner nightly, yet if they knew half the crap I did when I walked away from that table, they probably had a heart attack. I was lieing little bastard who got away with it all, had nothing to do with my parents. Both very hard working people, and I was number 9 child of 10...probably burnt out raising kids. Most of the things I was involved in had to do with kids that had no parenting at all, and when you put us together, we came up with not so good things to do....

Having a kid in todays world is tough but being a uncle of over 30 neices and nephews, only a couple out of that bunch turned out to be bad apples, and most of them have turned around. Its not so bad Kel!! Start poping out those babies, you have that big house to raise them in.

Lokase is exactly right. Dinner is something we do as a family at least 6 nights a week, Fridays are either Pizza or make a sandwich at your own convenience. That family discussion and interaction are very important. My kids tell me we are a minority as far as that goes as very few of their friends have dinner as a family.

This goes under structure...children flourish under a structured environment...letting the X-Box be the baby sitter or the TV is not structure...and also...no matter how old my kids are...before they go anywhere on a Saturday they must clean their bedroom and also each child has their task to do such as taking out trash, loading the dishwasher, vacuuming the living room...Structure! Structure!

I'm a firm believer in structure, however when a child has grown 12yrs with no structure adding it can cause extreme resistance. You have to find balance but an involved parent is a must. It's funny this discussion came up today. Leah and I have been talking about finding some sperm again and trying for our own. Being that she was declared not a good fertile myrtle I'm next to make the trip to egg doc to have my ovaries probed. Honestly though the thought of mulitples freaks me out so I'm hem-hawing about it. And for those who may not know, I dropped the custody suit for my neice. She was admitted to an inpatient facility after my mom found a notebook where her and her friends were plotting some crazy stuff. she was released recently but is under constant care. Her father was found to be innocent after all with the whole meth possession charge and is actually trying to do better; he did get probation for his failure to pay previous DMV charges and for failing to appear in court for those charges. He's caring for Kasey, working, and submitting to drug testing. Things are calm for a change but I can't help but think how much better Kasey would be if she'd had the proper interaction as a child. Even when I think back about how he grew up, there's 8yrs between us and 14 between me and my sister. He grew up with a mom who worked double shifts to raise 4 kids. I lived with my granny until I was 6 or 7yrs old, so I got all the proper attention I needed even if it wasn't from my mom who only came home to sleep.

I can't stress the importance enough on the early years. I'm not saying you have to quit your job until your kid is in school but I do think being a strong figure in your child's life in those years is one of the most important things needed for proper adjustment later in life. It is the foundation of everything they need.

/off soap box

In my very humble opinion and as someone who has been right where those parents are with thinking their kid is doing all the right things only to find out otherwise... I'd say that early childhoold development and constant interaction wiht your kids is paramount to them properly adjusting as adults. If you father/mother a child then you need to put your fun life on hold and help your children grow into well adjusted adults.

I truly believe the early years will make or break the later years (teenage) but then there are also other factors like mental illness. Being a parent isn't a title or a right it's a responisbility. Good parents already know this and do what is needed. But you also have to accept that even when you do everything right or try to do everything right sometimes you have no control over situations. It's a shame when a young life is cut short regardless of the circumstances.


I couldn't disagree with this more... You don't have to eliminate your interests as a parent, you just have to be willing to not entertain yourself constantly. If the parent gives up their own interests completely, than it's not going to be a happy home.

Perhaps I should explain more b/c I wasn't detailed if you see what I mean I'm sure may agree.

If you father/mother a child then you need to put your PARTY FUN life on hold. By that I mean stop having your drug buddies over at your house nightly, stop doing drugs so heavy that you're in a permanent stupor with no job and your kid is sitting in her own shit/puke/piss in her bed screaming b/c she hasn't been fed for god knows how long.

I absolutely think people like this shouldn't have kids but I do know some of the hardest partiers who stopped all their partying to raise kids; they changed their ideas of fun into something more suited to the family. Going out with your buddies is ok, but never spending time with your kid is not. Or when you're sleeping off your hangover you put your kid in front of the TV with a box of cheerios and go back to bed....yeah again this is what I mean.

So Fild are you saying that I need to feed my kids daily?

So Fild are you saying that I need to feed my kids daily?


Lies!!

no, aren't your kids still growing in the jars to be jarines?

I think you're fine if you miss a few feedings it makes for better soldiers. :D

Ain't it the truth? Seems like I never got enough to eat in Basic. Of course I did put on 20 Lbs of muscle....

no, aren't your kids still growing in the jars to be jarines?

I think you're fine if you miss a few feedings it makes for better soldiers. :D


No soldiers in this house...only Marines!

All through this, I couldn't help but think of the Right To Life march that disrupted my commute a week ago. With so many unwanted children out there in the world already, and with the orphanages accross the country/world packed to capacity, where are all these new unwanted children to go? And when I asked a few of the marchers if they've adopted, well all of them obviously said no or I wouldn't be ranting about it. They couldn't believe I even thought the two subjects were related.


Dear Kelraz:

You're lumping a few separate issues in together here, but to this particular point, sadly, most of the 'Right to Life' folks don't give a damn about what happens after the 'sacred' life is born, only that there are severe and punitive *consequences* for women having sex (out of wedlock/to anyone but said lawfully wedded husband and for procreation). Some of the most stringent 'right to life' folks are also highly *resistant* to adoption, preferring their own genetic progeny and spurning children in State care as 'damaged goods' (which, sadly, many are). The major factors that determine how we will interact with the world in a fundamental way are determined before we first toddle off to school; and children who live in a very insecure environment in the very beginning of life usually have fundamental security and coping issues that follow them for the rest of their lives, making them challenges to rear healthily. This is becoming an issue (enduring psychological problems) for early preemies as well, as it's not natural to be deprived of touch, heartbeat, and eye contact in the first weeks of life even if one got there early.

On that whole 'life begins at conception' thing, I don't think it would make a whit of difference to the Right to Lifers to know that one out of three implanted conceptions (significantly greater percentage over age 40) ends in spontaneous abortion in the first few weeks, usually before the woman even knows she is pregnant - but it does serve to remind us that the products of conception are *potential* life that requires months of nurturing in order to become an infant and which may have abnormalities making that an impossibility.

On parenting and the disconnect between parents and children: Unfortunately, most of us no longer live in an environment where our neighbors all know each other and can help supervise each other's children; nor do we have as much control over their influences as we once did (although children have always gotten into trouble, there trouble sources can come from a much greater distance these days). Usually the worst cases of this type of disconnect occur when the parents are 1) too dogmatic and controlling (their view of the world is so rigid that they push their children away and ironically may categorically deny that their children would be *capable* of xyz; or 2) too permissive and confident that their ability to be 'their child's best friend' will supercede the need for adolescent freedom and secrecy (usually the children have no understanding of actions having consequences). While the discussion of staying at home to care and inculcate basic security and discipline into young children is always a political one, the fact is that *someone* has to do it, if we wish to rear healthy children who will be able to make reasoned decisions later in life; and if we live in a day and age where we can't have a parent stay at home for the first several years of a child's life we at least need to provide maternity leave for that *first* year and decent and affordable child care for beyond.

I'm not a parent, for numerous reasons I've discussed here in the past, nor, until recently, did I have any urges to do so (biology has mercifully intervened and closed the possibility of any last-minute foolishness on my part despite having the dubious fortune of meeting someone in the last few years that I actually got to 'maybe' on the issue with). I do understand, however, how enormous the experience of parenting is and how it literally changes your whole life (and we've seen many of those transformations among the new parents here). Although you're not female, and won't be giving up as much (sorry, but it's still true) in terms of future career latitude as, say, your wife would, given your chosen career path I would still think carefully about how compatible you feel that parenting would be with those goals - and make sure you have a clear understanding of what sorts of compromises parenting will demand of you in order to do it well before you take the plunge.

You're a very young man and have quite a while to think on the issue (and you are not married yet, if I recall correctly?), so you may be putting the cart before the horse, to reference, and mutilate, an old song, but yes, that poor girl sounds like every parent's worst nightmare if they were that engaged with her life and she still ended up acting out in this way. The big missing piece in the case you referenced though, is what does a pregnancy test have to do with who murdered her and why? Why could the young lady not tell her parents she was pregnant (although sometimes fear is unreasonable in such cases) - did she fear reprisals from *them*?

It'll be interesting to see the program and the diary exercpts - plenty of girls fall pregnant in their mid teens and don't get murdered for it.

Regards,
Nydia

Did they go into these rec centers to meet the parents at these party's? It sounds like 1 time and they would have caught on.