Lleauric
12-03-2003, 05:08 AM
SARUMAN TO "TAKE CONTROL" OF IRAQ
In a stunning move designed to rescue America's faltering position in Iraq, the Brains Trust has learned that the United States will transfer control of Iraq to "Saruman, Wizard of Isengard".
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/graphics/2965.jpg
A Senior American diplomat stated that the United States has reached an "agreement in principle" with the wizard Saruman to transfer control of the entire political and military apparatus in Iraq "within two to three weeks." "We believe that Saruman brings a unique skill set to the table," the diplomat explained, citing the wizard's "awesome magical powers, ability to exploit natural resources, and general flexibility of morals." The diplomat also noted that Saruman's "extensive history of successful orc management should provide him with excellent experience as he deals with the rather brutish Iraqi rabble." The move also allows the embattled Bush administration to shed an increasingly unpopular military conflict "without kowtowing to those insufferable fairies at the UN," the diplomat added.
"Sarumanization policy"
Several sources told the Brains Trust that the Sarumanization policy evolved rapidly over the last several days. "Once that artless bastard Peter Jackson cut most of Saruman out of the latest Tolkien film, well, he had some time on his hands," explained Derek Gadd, Saruman's chief publicist. "The Iraq opportunity just kind of came out of the blue, but as you can imagine he was very excited," Gadd said. "I mean, the chance to bend a large population of humans to one's absolute will simply doesn't come up very often, and of course Saruman feels he didn't get a very fair shot at it in the second film," Gadd noted.
Bush administration officials, meanwhile, had quickly come to realize that the president's recent bold declaration of "an end to major spin about combat operations in Iraq," had fallen flat. "We hoped by saying that we were telling the truth, people would start to think we actually were, but the approval ratings just kept circling the drain," said one frustrated White House official. The official bitterly condemned the Iraq Governing Council, a 24-member body established by the United States to manage the transition to democracy. "Of course we didn't give them any real power, but they didn't have to look so ****ing powerless," the official complained. "Christ, we would have been better off hiring actors," he grumbled.
The new American policy in Iraq has already generated controversy, with several observers raising questions about Saruman's allegedly checkered past. "I'm not sure that anyone who has worked for Sauron, a hideous entity of apparently limitless evil, is really fit to run a modern nation-state," said General Wesley Clark, a Democratic presidential candidate and frequent critic of Bush's Iraq policies. Gadd dismissed Clark's statement as "a vicious partisan smear," arguing that Saruman's connection with Sauron "had never been proven," and that in any event Sauron was "tragically misunderstood."
"Land Management"
Environmentalists have raised concerns about Saruman's land management policies when he was in charge of Isengard. "He effected a degree of environmental devastation that the universe has seldom witnessed," one activist charged, but Gadd said such accusations were "overblown." "Saruman acknowledges that in an effort to bring economic development to an impoverished region of Middle Earth, he may have been too aggressive in his management of Isengard's timber resources," Gadd said, "but how many trees are there in Iraq? The place is a ****ing desert."
Military strategists worry that Saruman may not have the acumen to address the multi-faceted civil unrest currently plaguing Iraq. "I would hope he seeks to build his armed forces around Iraqi soldiers, rather than breeding his own super-race of orcs," said Colonel Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush of the United States Army War College. "I don't think the orcs would go down to well, particularly in the Shi'ite regions in the south," Hackenbush added.
Despite these criticisms, the new policy has received some support outside the administration. "I think it's a capital idea," said actor Christopher Lee. "President Bush has demonstrated that he understands true talent when he sees it."
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.70.2965.html
In a stunning move designed to rescue America's faltering position in Iraq, the Brains Trust has learned that the United States will transfer control of Iraq to "Saruman, Wizard of Isengard".
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/graphics/2965.jpg
A Senior American diplomat stated that the United States has reached an "agreement in principle" with the wizard Saruman to transfer control of the entire political and military apparatus in Iraq "within two to three weeks." "We believe that Saruman brings a unique skill set to the table," the diplomat explained, citing the wizard's "awesome magical powers, ability to exploit natural resources, and general flexibility of morals." The diplomat also noted that Saruman's "extensive history of successful orc management should provide him with excellent experience as he deals with the rather brutish Iraqi rabble." The move also allows the embattled Bush administration to shed an increasingly unpopular military conflict "without kowtowing to those insufferable fairies at the UN," the diplomat added.
"Sarumanization policy"
Several sources told the Brains Trust that the Sarumanization policy evolved rapidly over the last several days. "Once that artless bastard Peter Jackson cut most of Saruman out of the latest Tolkien film, well, he had some time on his hands," explained Derek Gadd, Saruman's chief publicist. "The Iraq opportunity just kind of came out of the blue, but as you can imagine he was very excited," Gadd said. "I mean, the chance to bend a large population of humans to one's absolute will simply doesn't come up very often, and of course Saruman feels he didn't get a very fair shot at it in the second film," Gadd noted.
Bush administration officials, meanwhile, had quickly come to realize that the president's recent bold declaration of "an end to major spin about combat operations in Iraq," had fallen flat. "We hoped by saying that we were telling the truth, people would start to think we actually were, but the approval ratings just kept circling the drain," said one frustrated White House official. The official bitterly condemned the Iraq Governing Council, a 24-member body established by the United States to manage the transition to democracy. "Of course we didn't give them any real power, but they didn't have to look so ****ing powerless," the official complained. "Christ, we would have been better off hiring actors," he grumbled.
The new American policy in Iraq has already generated controversy, with several observers raising questions about Saruman's allegedly checkered past. "I'm not sure that anyone who has worked for Sauron, a hideous entity of apparently limitless evil, is really fit to run a modern nation-state," said General Wesley Clark, a Democratic presidential candidate and frequent critic of Bush's Iraq policies. Gadd dismissed Clark's statement as "a vicious partisan smear," arguing that Saruman's connection with Sauron "had never been proven," and that in any event Sauron was "tragically misunderstood."
"Land Management"
Environmentalists have raised concerns about Saruman's land management policies when he was in charge of Isengard. "He effected a degree of environmental devastation that the universe has seldom witnessed," one activist charged, but Gadd said such accusations were "overblown." "Saruman acknowledges that in an effort to bring economic development to an impoverished region of Middle Earth, he may have been too aggressive in his management of Isengard's timber resources," Gadd said, "but how many trees are there in Iraq? The place is a ****ing desert."
Military strategists worry that Saruman may not have the acumen to address the multi-faceted civil unrest currently plaguing Iraq. "I would hope he seeks to build his armed forces around Iraqi soldiers, rather than breeding his own super-race of orcs," said Colonel Dr Hugo Z Hackenbush of the United States Army War College. "I don't think the orcs would go down to well, particularly in the Shi'ite regions in the south," Hackenbush added.
Despite these criticisms, the new policy has received some support outside the administration. "I think it's a capital idea," said actor Christopher Lee. "President Bush has demonstrated that he understands true talent when he sees it."
http://www.thebrainstrust.co.uk/article.70.2965.html