1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."



7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her hu sband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

ROFL, bad indead.

those are great

<chuckle> Thanks for giving me a chuckle on Monday morning....

Would give you Rep+ but you were the last one I gave Rep+ to...

Thanks anyway...

Oi vay. Good puns are the ones that make you groan in despair at the people who think up these things.

super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis


Bwahahahahahaaa!

That is all.

Hehe, I needed that. Thanks :)

#8 made me LoL... at work =(

There once was a tribe of indiginous people on a tropical island. As their tribe grew and prospered they decided to elect a King to help rule the people. Once they elected their King, they dicided that to be a proper king, he needed to have a throne. The villiage gathered and constructed the King's first throne and they were happy. Every year as a show of their devotion, they would build the king a new throne. Each year the king, not knowing what to do with the prior year's throne, stowed them away in the attic of his grass hut. After many years had passed the king's hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones killing him.

The moral of the story is, people who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.

A grocer's wife tired of being married to him and decided to have him knocked off. She hired a local thug named Arthur Kendall and promised to pay him $100 to do the job. However, she only had 4 quarters on her so she gave that to the assassin telling him she'd go to the bank and get 99 bucks to give him upon completion of the job. Arthur snuck into the grocery store where the husband was working late, crept up behind him and throttled him. Hearing the commotion, the assistant manager and a clerk rushed in; Art strangled them as well but not before one of them hit the silent alarm. The police arrived and carted Art off to jail. The next day the headlines read: Artie Chokes Three For A Dollar.

A scientist was performing life extending experiments upon dolphins and discovered that when he administered an extract from the crop of mynah birds to the dolphins, they appeared to stop aging and remained youthful. Mid experiment he ran out of the extract and looked for a source of mynah birds, discovering there were some at the local zoo. He broke into the zoo that night to find the bird exhibit was combined with the large cat exhibit. He quietly stepped over some of the sleeping felines to net a couple of the birds. On his way out, one of the mynah birds squawked, alerting the guards. He was arrested and carted off to the local jail. His charge: Transporting mynahs across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

One day 3 Indian women were in labor. One was in a teepee made from elk skin, one in a teepee made from mountain lion skin and one in a teepee made from hippopotamus skin. The squaw of the elk teepee had a baby boy that weighed 6 pounds. The squaw of the mountain lion birthed a boy that weighed in at 8 pounds. The third Indian maiden whelped a son that weighed a whopping 14 pounds. Which proves that the squaw of the hippopatamus is equal to the sons of the other two hides.

A man was dressing for work one morning when he discovered his loafers were punctured with several tiny bite marks. This really steamed him because he had just bought them the day before. He knew the woman next door (whose name was Joyce Coburn, btw) raised pedigree Himalayans so he stormed over and banged on her door. She answered the door with one of her prized felines in her arms, causing him to angrily blurt out: "Pardon me Joyce, is that the cat who chewed my new shoes?"

Heh... Londreigh reminded me of this one (had to search to find it):

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an
island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting
over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send
their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp
and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights,
and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor,
brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights,
and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy
preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only
one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it
from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal,
while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires
out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).
The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was
the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from
the other two kingdoms.

Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the
sum of the squires of the other two sides.