One does not simply walk into Mordor...

DiscW

01-20-2005, 04:49 AM

Well ok then, I'll give this thread a use.

This is the "Good" ending to the Return of the King. Got it from someone named Rexfelis at the FoH (http://www.fohguild.org/forums/forumdisplay.php?s=&forumid=38) movie boards.

You “purists” make me sick! Who cares if it isn’t in the damn novel? A one on one battle between Aragorn and Sauron would have been awesome if P.J. took some lessons from a REAL director, such as Michael Bay, and filmed the end sequence as it should have been orchestrated. Check it:

Things are going well, and Aragorn’s army of Ghostbuster Slimers that P.J. re-enlisted from “The Frighteners” is rampaging over the orcs and elephants…

Cut to Legolas and Gimly comparing kill ratios, with Gimly calling for a massive nerf because of Legolas’ ridiculous long-range DPS and the fact that he hasn’t been able to find an axe upgrade since the Mines of Moria…

Cut to, for the fifteenth time so far, Frodo and Sam taking FOR-FUCKING-EVER to climb about 20 feet up a hillside (okay it’s Oroduirin…or however it’s spelled, the Mountain of Doom but it shouldn’t take that long…I mean shot, after shot, after shot all from different angles, spliced with various close-ups of Frodo’s exhausted, dirt-smeared face saying how he can’t do it, with Rudy, errr I mean Sam, continually spilling out words of encouragement is all good and shit if you’re looking for Oscar nominations for acting, however P.J. should have known that after movie number one that Oscar wouldn’t me smiling on his cast.).

We cut back to Aragorn and Slimer wasting the orcses, and we watch as Slimer kills an orc who falls onto the muddy earth, right beside a puddle of water which, despite all of the frenzied battle that is occurring virtually everywhere, is PERFECTLY still. Perfectly still, except for a small ripple that forms on its surface…the kind of ripple that forms when something heavy hits the earth. And then there is another ripple, and another, and yet another, and now we can hear a far-off “THUD”, like from a massive footstep. And at this point, a rider of Rohan who looks suspiciously like Jeff Goldblum underneath the beard, shaggy hair and helmet, says “I’m getting somewhat alarmed here!”.

BUT, we must cut back to Rudy and Frodo on the hillside, who have moved about 8 inches since last we saw them. Frodo says “I can’t take it Rudy! Radio was such a better movie about ‘tards and footballs! I always thought you were the best Rudy but now I’m not sure!”, at which point Frodo begins to sob uncontrollably. “It’s okay Mr. Frodo, it’s okay…” but we can see that Rudy is getting hella pissed and his rage bar is starting to fill up…

Cut back to Goldblum who is stumbling backwards through the throng of orcses getting owned by Slimers, until he bumps into Quint, err Aragorn, and tells him “We’re gonna need a bigger army!”

Extreme closeup of Aragorn as he turns away from the orcses that he was slicing to face what Goldblum is staring at, pulls the toothpick out of his mouth and says “Chief…get my harpoon gun…”

BUT…we have to cut back to Frodo (who won’t shut up about Cuba Gooding Jr. in Radio) and Rudy (who is looking incrementally more pissed than in the last, virtually identical, scene). “But Rudy,” says Frodo “if only I could run like Radio, then I might be rid of this blasted ring, and we might see the Shire again…”

Cut back to Gimly and Legolas arguing about who should get nerfed when Legolas elf hearing picks up something, then looking behind Gimly, he spins Gimly around, who in turn says “OMG! The boss spawned!”

Cut to extreme wide shot of Sauron, decked-out in his “Iron Lord” outfit, rampaging through the Rohirrim and even the Slimer army with his massive hammer.

Cut to Aragorn looking deeply concerned.

Cut to Sauron rampaging through more Rohirrim and Slimers, getting closer to Aragorn.

Cut to Aragorn looking deeply concerned.

Cut to Sauron rampaging through even more Rohirrim and Slimers, getting closer still to Aragorn.

Cut to Aragorn looking deeply concerned.

Cut to Sauron rampaging through yet more Rohirrim and Slimers and this time Sauron whacks some relatively unimportant Rider of Rohan that we don’t really care about (like Eomer…cause Karl Urban sucked in “The Bourne Supremacy”…but he was good in “Chronicles of Riddick”, so he can get hit in that “movie-way” that you know isn’t fatal…but he’ll have a limp for sure) yet it is someone we may have become attached to, hitting home the point that Sauron is indeed getting closer to Aragorn.

Cut to Aragorn looking deeply concerned.

Cut to Frodo looking even more exhausted, with even more dirt on his face, crying out “I can’t do it Rudy! I can’t!”

Cut to Legolas shooting a hail of arrows at Sauron, which bounce off Sauron’s armour harmlessly. Legolas then turns to Gimly and snarls “See what I’m talking about Gimly? If they’re more than 4 levels above me, it’s a fucking WALL! Nothing gets through. NOTHING! I’d call that a fundamental flaw in-“ But he’s cut-off has Gimly shouts “GET DOWN!” and Gimly knocks Legolas to the ground as Sauron’s massive hammer swooshes past, narrowly missing them.

Cut to Aragorn looking deeply concerned.

Cut to Sauron rampaging through what can only be the last of the Rohirrim and Slimers.

Cut to Aragorn looking deeply concerned, yet this time he drawns his sword, takes a step closer to the camera and says “Nobody does this the United States of Rohan! Face me Sauron! FACE ISILDUR’ S HEIR!”

Cut to Sauron swatting away a few more Rohirrim and then charging towards Aragorn.

BUT…we cut to an extreme close-up of Frodo, tears streaming down his face with huge gouts of lava bursting into the air behind him. “Rudy! I’ve failed! I can’t do it! We’ll never see the Shire again! WAAAAH!”

Cut to Sauron swinging his huge hammer at Aragorn’s head, but Aragorn ducks underneath it. Then Sauron swings his hammer at Aragorn’s legs, but Aragorn just barely jumps over it, only to fall to the ground. Then Sauron swings his hammer down to crush Aragorn, but Aragorn rolls to the right. Then Sauron swings his hammer down, yet again, to crush Aragorn, but Aragorn rolls to the left. Then Sauron swings his hammer down to crush Aragorn (who we know has already exhausted the “roll to the right” and “roll to the left” defenses that all heroes facing attackers from above get by rights)…

Cut back to Frodo wailing “I never should have agreed to this Rudy! We never should have left the Shire! I’m sorry for getting you into this Rudy! I’m so sorry!” and Frodo begins to sob even more.

Cut back to the scene where Sauron is swinging his hammer down on Aragorn, but about 5 seconds before the point that we cut-away from, so that we get to see Aragorn rolling to the left to evade the previous attack to re-emphasize for those with ADD that on this downswing, Aragorn does not have the benefit of a roll to the right or a roll to the left, as he has already used those two maneuvers and they unavailable until they have cooled-down. So everything does John Woo slow-motion as Sauron swings his hammer down to crush Aragorn and everyone around is turning to watch, or running towards Aragorn with hands outstretched while screaming in slow-motion speech “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and just as the hammer is about the crush Aragorn we hear this noise, that sounds like mechanized pistons and hydraulic cylinders moving and a large log intercepts Sauron’s hammer and stops it from crushing Aragorn.

The camera then whips around to focus on what looks like two thick tree boughs, which seem to stomp forward like legs otherwise would, except that with each step is a mechanized sound belonging to a robot. The tree legs then take two, last stomping steps forward, then they stop and the camera pans up so that we get to see Pippin, who is driving Tree-Beard like a robotic fork-lift exosuit…if such a thing ever existed in movies, and the camera does a snap-zoom on Pippin’s face as he says “Get away from him you BITCH!”

Cut to Sauron swinging his hammer into Tree-Beard, which knocks Tree-Beard down and Pippin goes flying into a pile of a rubble in that “movie-way” that you know won’t be fatal, but will result in some form of minor disability. Then Sauron turns to Aragorn and again brings his hammer up to crush Aragorn, however all of a sudden an axe comes swinging into Sauron’s crotch, with Gimly saying “Stay away from my frind!”, and Sauron hisses as he swats Gimly away with his hammer, and Legolas turns to whoever is beside him and says “See! See! I do zero fucking damage with my arrows, yet at the same level Gimly’s crotch hit OBVIOUSLY did SOME damage! Such bullshit!” Cut to Gimly crashing into rubble at high speeds, in a non-fatal manner.

Cut back to Sauron raising his hammer to crush Aragorn, with a quick cut down to Aragorn, lying on the ground with that “Oh shit, my “roll to the right” and “roll to the left” maneuvers still haven’t cooled-down and my dwarven friend already hit my enemy in the testicles…I think I’m screwed!” look on his face. Cut back up to Sauron beginning to bring the hammer down on Aragorn in John Woo slow motion…

Cut to…”I cannot do it Rudy. I CANNOT! I can’t move a single inch! I’ve failed! I’ve failed us all! We’ll never see the Shire! The Shire will burn! I just want to sleep Rudy…sleep and wake up in my bed as though this never happened! I wish Radio was here! I wish Radio was here!!” Cut to Rudy’s face, which is now redder than the lava bursting from lava fissures on the hillside. Then Rudy says, “I can’t carry the ring for you Mr. Frodo…(big dramatic pause here for effect)…but I CAN carry YOU!” and Rudy, his rage bar fully charged, stands up, carry Frodo and begins to stumble up the hillside to the opening that leads into Mount Doom, some 20 or so feet away….

Cut to Sauron bringing his hammer down, in John Woo slow-motion, upon the helpless Aragorn, who has exhausted his “roll to the right” and “roll to the left” as well as his “intervention by dwarven ally who swings axe into enemy’s crotch” maneuvers. We watch as the hammer swings downward through the air, then cut to Aragorn, then cut to the hammer swinging downward, then cut to a gayish looking elf who turns away, covers his eyes and says “Ooooh I can’t look…”, then cut to the hammer swinging downwards, then cut to Aragorn, then cut to the hammer swinging downward…

Cut to Rudy charging up the hillside and into the entrance into Mount Doom…

Cut to hammer swinging downward, cut to Aragorn…

Cut to Rudy charging down the gang-plank leading to the huge lava pit whence the ring was formed…

Cut to hammer swinging downwards, cut to Aragorn, cut to Gandalf screaming in slow-motion speech “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”

Cut to Rudy charging further down the gang plank as Frodo says “Rudy! I couldn’t have done it without you Rudy!” to which Rudy replies “I can’t throw the ring into the fires whence it was formed Mr. Frodo…(big dramatic pause here for effect)….but I CAN throw YOU in!” And we watch as Rudy throws Frodo and the ring into the fires from whence the ring was formed. And the instant that the ring hits the lava we see it melt…

Cut to a wide shot of Sauron swinging the hammer down on Aragorn, super quick cut of the ring melting, then Sauron arches his back, drops the hammer and his armor collapses like the Witch King’s did, then everything stops for an instant as we cut to a close-up of Aragorn who says “We win Gracie, err Eowyn...we win!” and then Sauron’s armour explodes ******d knocking everyone down! Then Aragorn slowly gets up to his feet, surveys the remaining survivors around him, punches his fist into the air and shouts “OWNED!”

Cut to Legolas who turns to whoever is beside him and says “WTF was that? Gimly hits once and scores a crit? Fucking bullshit man…”

The End.

Oh…and if P.J. were to get some tips from Michael Bay, he could re-edit the movie so that Sean Connery could replace Ian McKellan as Gandalf.

If that makes one person laugh as much as It did for me, then I have succeeded.