Haloface
05-21-2004, 04:37 PM
Sauron@Mordor.net
Witch-king & Co.: great opportunity here! Interrogation of Gollum
reveals One Ring is in Shire (see attached jpg map). Apparently held by
hobbit with last name of Baggins. Hobbits are v. short and not known to
carry weapons. Piece of orc-cake for you guys. Ride forth; grab the
Baggins AND the Ring. Time to earn your keep. End-of-year bonus could be
big!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Oh Dark Lord, the magnificent. Can't find the Shire, so went to Saruman
for directions. He said your map was not to scale. Shire turns out to be
a *very* long way away. How come we're just learning this now? Expect
delay in OneRing project. Respectfully, the Nine.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Tell me you didn't mention the Ring to Saruman! RE expected delay in
project: I don't think so. Ride faster.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Great Master of Darkness, we did NOT tell Saruman about the Ring. Made
up story about losing one of the nine rings while on vacation in those
parts. Quite sure he bought it. Will do best to ride faster. Saruman
great in Isengard chatroom, you should check it out.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Have hacked site of Isengard chatroom. Feel pleased. Let me know when
you reach Shire.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Oh great Flaming Eye, stopped off at Bree for well deserved brewskies.
Met kewl guy, Bill Ferny, who says Shire not far off. Also says Shire
has 'killer weed,' so maybe hobbits will all be dead when we arrive ;-).
Hope weed doesn't try to kill us. Looking forward to big bonus.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Get to the Shire, NOW! See attached artist's impression of Baggins.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Finally reached Shire. Hobbits still alive. No sign of lethal weed. One
hobbit said Baggins and pals moved to suburb called Buckleberry, so we
headed that way. Could have sworn we saw some hobbits matching
description, but were scared off by elves. Could have sworn I felt power
of the Ring. Wraith No.5 thinks he lost his ring in Bree. Do you have
another one?
Sauron@Mordor.net
No I don't have another one. Nine freaking rings for men, not ten! Tell
No.5 to go back and find it. Better take three of you with him so he
doesn't get lost himself! Sheesh.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Hobbits escaped us by going cross-country. Hope rest of the Nine don't
take too long looking for No.5's ring in Bree. Thought we would outsmart
hobbits and cut them off. Thwarted by mushroom farmer because he had
very mean dogs NOT ON LEASHES. Maybe dogs will eat hobbits and we'll
just wait to dig through their poop for One Ring. We'll wash it good, so
don't worry.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Witch-king & Co.: Your mid-year reviews are coming up and I can tell you
that it's not looking good. Inability (or unwillingness) to throw down
with farmer's dogs not impressive. Please show more initiative. Forget
about dog-poop idea. Proceed to Buckleberry.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Almost got 'em, Boss, but they took the ferry and wouldn't send the boat
back. Have to go long way around. BTW, Buckleberry and Brandywine River
not on your map, so have to ask for directions a lot. Probably an
oversight on your part. Detachment to Bree still hasn't returned. Think
that WE should get good reviews and Ringwraiths in Bree should be
punished, because I'll bet you they are drinking lots of brewskies while
we do all the hard work. Hugs.
Sauron@Mordor.net
(Sigh). I've freed Gollum in the unlikely, but not impossible, case that
you cannot fulfill your mission. He seems very dedicated to finding the
Ring. Consider this as competition for the year-end bonus.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Found 'em, Boss. Or at least we thought we found them. Busted up their
hiding place real good, but they escaped into Old Forest, which is very
scary. We would have gone in after them, but locals sounded incredible
fire alarm. Took a vote and decided to head to Bree, wait for hobbits.
Sauron@Mordor.net
You took a vote?! (Sigh). Fine, whatever.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Now in Bree, but rest of Black Riders not here. Barkeep wants us to pay
their tab. Pal Bill Ferny said homeys are retracing their steps to see
if No.5's ring fell off on way from Isengard. Rented great room with
view. Expense request enclosed.
Sauron@Mordor.net
2,000 farthings for 'Dwarf massage'?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Hobbits in the building! One Ring confirmed, as hobbit called Underhill
disappeared in bar. Guess you were wrong about the name Baggins. Attack
on their room planned for midnight! Wish us luck.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Good going, team. FYI: 'Underhill' probably an alias.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Got 'em, Boss. Or, well, we thought we did. Entered room where they were
staying and saw four beds with what seemed like hobbits sleeping. You
should have seen us tear into them! For 30 minutes of what can only be
described as a very impressive Ringwraith melee, we slashed and hacked
and completely trashed the hobbits' room. But we were tricked, because
the figures were only wooden bolsters underneath the covers. So me and
the boys went to the rest of the hobbit suites and, let me tell you,
ain't no hobbits going to lodging at the inn for quite a long time.
Sauron@Mordor.net
RE: Attempt to kill hobbits at Bree.
I understand your explanation that hobbits were not in room they rented.
Am not mollified by your apparent pride in spending half an hour
smashing bolsters and generally trashing that part of the inn.
You nitwits!
Now listen to me carefully: Scare off all horses and ponies in Bree,
then watch for hobbits to flee on foot. Should be a no-brainer, even for
you. Any word on rest of the Nine?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Horses scattered like you said, Boss, except for Ferny's pony, which is
nearly dead anyway. Off to find rest of the Nine. Wish us luck.
Sauron@Mordor.net
I said watch the road, you twits, not search for the other Nazgul!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Right you are, Boss. We five are plenty for the job. I guess we'll get
the others' bonuses, ha ha. Anyway, turns out the hobbits have joined
forces with a Ranger, named Strider. Job suddenly got harder. They also
bought Ferny's pony; Bill got hit with apple from one of the hobbits,
but lived. He said they went cross-country, which means we'll just have
to hope they rejoin the road up ahead. Thoughts?
Sauron@Mordor.net
Thoughts? Yes, try following them. On second thought, we wouldn't want
you to get lost in the wild, would we? I mean, what is the deal with you
guys? Instead, proceed to Weathertop ... yes, it's on the map and wait
for them. Don't screw up this time!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Went to Weathertop, like you said, Boss. You didn't say a wizard lives
there! It was Gandalf, the one you loathe. You would be so proud of us.
All five of us ragged on him until he started flashing fire from his
magic wand, or whatever that thing is. Boss, you're going to love this:
We all rushed him and he ran like a frightened rabbit. Am now in
pursuit! Wish us luck.
Sauron@Mordor.net
No, you idiots! It's a diversion. Get back to Weathertop and wait for
hobbits.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Returned to Weathertop, like you said, Boss. But hobbits and Ranger
already there. Attack planned for midnight, even though still missing
four homeys. Go us!
Sauron@Mordor.net
Yeah, go you. This is a results-oriented project, boys. Just bring It
back. That's all I'm asking. No hostages, nothing. Let them all live for
all I care. Good luck. There, I said it.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
We're really on track with the project, Boss! Raided Weathertop camp. We
had 'em. Check this out: No.2 stabbed the one carrying the Ring!
Unfortunately, the hobbit had Swiss army knife and stabbed No.2 in left
big toe. Didn't you say they were unarmed? We have to communicate more.
Then Ranger started setting us on fire. Most of us able to roll on
ground and save most of multi-layered robes, but I'm afraid No.6 and No.
8 are completely naked. Believe hobbits and Ranger escaped. No.9 says he
lost his ring at Weathertop. Now I know what you're thinking, but you
would be wrong. We're ALL going back to find his ring. Thanks for
wishing us luck, because it sure worked! (Group hug).
Sauron@Mordor.net
Oh venerated mother of Morgoth! Why? What have I done to deserve this?
Tell me, please.
OK, the Ringbearer Thief has been stabbed. That's good. Think positive
thoughts.
Now, Witch-king, I want you to forget about No.9's ring. Go after the
Hobbits, NOW. They're bound for Rivendell for sure.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Oops, already went to Weathertop (had problems getting email today,
think you should check the modem bank, or server, or something). Good
news. The rest of the Nine showed up. Turns out No.5 had his ring in one
of the folds of his cloak all this time. I guess he's getting a bad
review, right? Also found No.9's ring, even though you don't seem to
care about it. Didn't tell No.9 you have adopted that position. Hope you
care about my ring, still. :-)
Now going after hobbits with full speed. Ringbearer Thief (is this his
REAL name?) should be catatonic by now from No.2's successful attack.
No.2 wants to know if he gets extra bonus, and isn't sure he signed up
for Mordor's HMO on re-enrollment week. His big toe is really looking
bad. Thoughts?
Sauron@Mordor.net
No.1, oh dear Witch-king. Apparently I have failed as a manager to
sufficiently convey the importance of the OneRing project. To wit: Your
sole purpose is to find the One Ring. Then lay your hands upon it. Do
not put it on! Keep it safe on your journey back to Mordor. Then give it
to me. That's it. All the personnel concerns you have mentioned will be
taken care of, as long as you bring It back. Got that? Comprendez? Dost
thou fathom?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
You're right as always, Boss. The One Ring. Got ya loud and clear.
Uh, OK, sorry it's been a week since last email. We like nearly had him
at the Ford, Rivendale. I mean, we were really, really close. Even
though we had to mess with an elvish warrior and chase after an
incredibly fast horse carrying Ringbearer, we were on it. Dude, there
was this flood you wouldn't imagine, with scary horse things, and our
own horses just freaked, so you'll have to blame the horses, which
drowned. Since none of us can swim, and the flood was so terrible, all
of us are now buck naked, although I still have my crown. No one lost
their ring, which is a plus, right?
Sauron@Mordor.net
(Sigh). This is not happening. Feared Nazgul in a pig's eye!
You have new orders: Get your butts back to the office. No, wait, you'll
just get lost on the way. I'm sending my nine foul beasts of the air to
fetch you.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Flying first class, Boss! This is way better than riding horses. Thanks
for the gesture. We'll be able to get that Ring on Air Mordor, if you
would just give us another chance. Please?
Sauron@Mordor.net
After lengthy consideration, have decided against my better judgement to
send the Nine out again to find the Ring. Yes, you will be flying Air
Mordor this time. Make sure the beasts eat some grass for roughage,
damnit.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Back in first class, Boss. Thanks for the reprieve!
Sauron@Mordor.net
Hobbits reported in Moria. Company now numbering nine. How quaint.
Balrog will get them. Then orcs will bring out Ring. Watch the eastern
exit.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Moria not on map, much less east exit. Asked elves in Lothlorien for
directions, but no help there. Took a vote and will watch Anduin River
near Rauros. Wish us luck!
Sauron@Mordor.net
You're going to need it.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Good news, Boss! Found the crew (there's eight, not nine like you said).
Unfortunately, No.3's beast was shot down by an elf, so expect him to
show up all bedraggled at Black Gate. He lost his key, so you'll have to
let him in. No.2 hasn't been feeding his beast any grass, and its poop
is just horrible! Also, looks like your orcs joined up with Saruman's
brood. They captured two of the hobbits after killing man of Gondor. Go
orcs. Seems they are heading toward Isengard, not Mordor. Suggest you
contact them and send reliable map! Lost sight of remaining hobbits. But
rest of company chasing after said orcs, which means that's where the
Ring must be. Regards.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Isengard?! No. Nooo!!! All of you return to headquarters immediately!
Witch-king, you head toward Isengard and intercept orcs.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Boss, went to Isengard like you said, but had to make sure beast got
enough grass, so unable to overtake orcs. Someone really trashed
Isengard. Don't think Saruman got the Ring, because otherwise he would
have kept his place from getting hosed, right? Anyway, it looks like
Rohan won their battle with Saruman the White, who is actually sporting
more a tie-dye look these days.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Mercy! I'll have to wage war to get this Ring back. You, Witch-king, go
out and attack anyone who looks like they might be wielding One Ring.
I'm thinking King of Rohan, since last time I checked he was Saruman's
cabana boy.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Oh, hi Boss. It's No.2. Bit of bad news. A girl beheaded Witch-king’s
beast. Good news is King of Rohan's horse killed him. Unlikely he had
Ring, like you said. But real bad news is Witch-king was stabbed in knee
by a hobbit, and then killed by the girl. I thought we couldn't die,
because of the rings you gave us. Is there something I should know? Oh
yeah, you lost the battle of Pelennor (probably just to fake 'em out,
I'll bet). Anyway, I guess this makes me No.1, right?
Sauron@Mordor.net
(Sigh). Sure, you can be No.1, if it makes you happy. Would you all just
circle the skies around Mordor, like at a really high altitude so you
can't be shot down? That would be just peachy. You Eight can do that,
can't you?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Did what you said, Boss, flying high. Seems like 7,000 of the enemy are
marching toward the home office. Better back up the database, right?
Sauron@Mordor.net
Finally some good news. The captains of the West are pushing their luck.
One of them probably has the Ring, but hasn't mastered it. Circle above
the Black Gate.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Great news, Boss! Battle going great. They are completely surrounded.
You're a genius.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Fools! The One Ring!! It's at Mount Doom! Fly, fly I tell thee! Fly to
Mount Doom and grab the Ring before it's too late!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Mount Doom? That's a volcano. Isn't it pretty hot there?
Sauron@Mordor.net
Go to Mount Doom immediately! The Ring, get the Ring! Do it!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
OK, Boss, will do. Is the Ring INSIDE the volcano, or just near it?
Well, I suppose we'll find out when we get there. Wish us luck!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Boss, are you there? The volcano is erupting something fierce. No can
find Ring. Can't even sense its presence. Are you sure it's at Mount
Doom?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Hey Boss, did you know that Mordor is crumbling? Boss?
Witch-king & Co.: great opportunity here! Interrogation of Gollum
reveals One Ring is in Shire (see attached jpg map). Apparently held by
hobbit with last name of Baggins. Hobbits are v. short and not known to
carry weapons. Piece of orc-cake for you guys. Ride forth; grab the
Baggins AND the Ring. Time to earn your keep. End-of-year bonus could be
big!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Oh Dark Lord, the magnificent. Can't find the Shire, so went to Saruman
for directions. He said your map was not to scale. Shire turns out to be
a *very* long way away. How come we're just learning this now? Expect
delay in OneRing project. Respectfully, the Nine.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Tell me you didn't mention the Ring to Saruman! RE expected delay in
project: I don't think so. Ride faster.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Great Master of Darkness, we did NOT tell Saruman about the Ring. Made
up story about losing one of the nine rings while on vacation in those
parts. Quite sure he bought it. Will do best to ride faster. Saruman
great in Isengard chatroom, you should check it out.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Have hacked site of Isengard chatroom. Feel pleased. Let me know when
you reach Shire.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Oh great Flaming Eye, stopped off at Bree for well deserved brewskies.
Met kewl guy, Bill Ferny, who says Shire not far off. Also says Shire
has 'killer weed,' so maybe hobbits will all be dead when we arrive ;-).
Hope weed doesn't try to kill us. Looking forward to big bonus.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Get to the Shire, NOW! See attached artist's impression of Baggins.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Finally reached Shire. Hobbits still alive. No sign of lethal weed. One
hobbit said Baggins and pals moved to suburb called Buckleberry, so we
headed that way. Could have sworn we saw some hobbits matching
description, but were scared off by elves. Could have sworn I felt power
of the Ring. Wraith No.5 thinks he lost his ring in Bree. Do you have
another one?
Sauron@Mordor.net
No I don't have another one. Nine freaking rings for men, not ten! Tell
No.5 to go back and find it. Better take three of you with him so he
doesn't get lost himself! Sheesh.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Hobbits escaped us by going cross-country. Hope rest of the Nine don't
take too long looking for No.5's ring in Bree. Thought we would outsmart
hobbits and cut them off. Thwarted by mushroom farmer because he had
very mean dogs NOT ON LEASHES. Maybe dogs will eat hobbits and we'll
just wait to dig through their poop for One Ring. We'll wash it good, so
don't worry.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Witch-king & Co.: Your mid-year reviews are coming up and I can tell you
that it's not looking good. Inability (or unwillingness) to throw down
with farmer's dogs not impressive. Please show more initiative. Forget
about dog-poop idea. Proceed to Buckleberry.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Almost got 'em, Boss, but they took the ferry and wouldn't send the boat
back. Have to go long way around. BTW, Buckleberry and Brandywine River
not on your map, so have to ask for directions a lot. Probably an
oversight on your part. Detachment to Bree still hasn't returned. Think
that WE should get good reviews and Ringwraiths in Bree should be
punished, because I'll bet you they are drinking lots of brewskies while
we do all the hard work. Hugs.
Sauron@Mordor.net
(Sigh). I've freed Gollum in the unlikely, but not impossible, case that
you cannot fulfill your mission. He seems very dedicated to finding the
Ring. Consider this as competition for the year-end bonus.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Found 'em, Boss. Or at least we thought we found them. Busted up their
hiding place real good, but they escaped into Old Forest, which is very
scary. We would have gone in after them, but locals sounded incredible
fire alarm. Took a vote and decided to head to Bree, wait for hobbits.
Sauron@Mordor.net
You took a vote?! (Sigh). Fine, whatever.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Now in Bree, but rest of Black Riders not here. Barkeep wants us to pay
their tab. Pal Bill Ferny said homeys are retracing their steps to see
if No.5's ring fell off on way from Isengard. Rented great room with
view. Expense request enclosed.
Sauron@Mordor.net
2,000 farthings for 'Dwarf massage'?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Hobbits in the building! One Ring confirmed, as hobbit called Underhill
disappeared in bar. Guess you were wrong about the name Baggins. Attack
on their room planned for midnight! Wish us luck.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Good going, team. FYI: 'Underhill' probably an alias.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Got 'em, Boss. Or, well, we thought we did. Entered room where they were
staying and saw four beds with what seemed like hobbits sleeping. You
should have seen us tear into them! For 30 minutes of what can only be
described as a very impressive Ringwraith melee, we slashed and hacked
and completely trashed the hobbits' room. But we were tricked, because
the figures were only wooden bolsters underneath the covers. So me and
the boys went to the rest of the hobbit suites and, let me tell you,
ain't no hobbits going to lodging at the inn for quite a long time.
Sauron@Mordor.net
RE: Attempt to kill hobbits at Bree.
I understand your explanation that hobbits were not in room they rented.
Am not mollified by your apparent pride in spending half an hour
smashing bolsters and generally trashing that part of the inn.
You nitwits!
Now listen to me carefully: Scare off all horses and ponies in Bree,
then watch for hobbits to flee on foot. Should be a no-brainer, even for
you. Any word on rest of the Nine?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Horses scattered like you said, Boss, except for Ferny's pony, which is
nearly dead anyway. Off to find rest of the Nine. Wish us luck.
Sauron@Mordor.net
I said watch the road, you twits, not search for the other Nazgul!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Right you are, Boss. We five are plenty for the job. I guess we'll get
the others' bonuses, ha ha. Anyway, turns out the hobbits have joined
forces with a Ranger, named Strider. Job suddenly got harder. They also
bought Ferny's pony; Bill got hit with apple from one of the hobbits,
but lived. He said they went cross-country, which means we'll just have
to hope they rejoin the road up ahead. Thoughts?
Sauron@Mordor.net
Thoughts? Yes, try following them. On second thought, we wouldn't want
you to get lost in the wild, would we? I mean, what is the deal with you
guys? Instead, proceed to Weathertop ... yes, it's on the map and wait
for them. Don't screw up this time!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Went to Weathertop, like you said, Boss. You didn't say a wizard lives
there! It was Gandalf, the one you loathe. You would be so proud of us.
All five of us ragged on him until he started flashing fire from his
magic wand, or whatever that thing is. Boss, you're going to love this:
We all rushed him and he ran like a frightened rabbit. Am now in
pursuit! Wish us luck.
Sauron@Mordor.net
No, you idiots! It's a diversion. Get back to Weathertop and wait for
hobbits.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Returned to Weathertop, like you said, Boss. But hobbits and Ranger
already there. Attack planned for midnight, even though still missing
four homeys. Go us!
Sauron@Mordor.net
Yeah, go you. This is a results-oriented project, boys. Just bring It
back. That's all I'm asking. No hostages, nothing. Let them all live for
all I care. Good luck. There, I said it.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
We're really on track with the project, Boss! Raided Weathertop camp. We
had 'em. Check this out: No.2 stabbed the one carrying the Ring!
Unfortunately, the hobbit had Swiss army knife and stabbed No.2 in left
big toe. Didn't you say they were unarmed? We have to communicate more.
Then Ranger started setting us on fire. Most of us able to roll on
ground and save most of multi-layered robes, but I'm afraid No.6 and No.
8 are completely naked. Believe hobbits and Ranger escaped. No.9 says he
lost his ring at Weathertop. Now I know what you're thinking, but you
would be wrong. We're ALL going back to find his ring. Thanks for
wishing us luck, because it sure worked! (Group hug).
Sauron@Mordor.net
Oh venerated mother of Morgoth! Why? What have I done to deserve this?
Tell me, please.
OK, the Ringbearer Thief has been stabbed. That's good. Think positive
thoughts.
Now, Witch-king, I want you to forget about No.9's ring. Go after the
Hobbits, NOW. They're bound for Rivendell for sure.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Oops, already went to Weathertop (had problems getting email today,
think you should check the modem bank, or server, or something). Good
news. The rest of the Nine showed up. Turns out No.5 had his ring in one
of the folds of his cloak all this time. I guess he's getting a bad
review, right? Also found No.9's ring, even though you don't seem to
care about it. Didn't tell No.9 you have adopted that position. Hope you
care about my ring, still. :-)
Now going after hobbits with full speed. Ringbearer Thief (is this his
REAL name?) should be catatonic by now from No.2's successful attack.
No.2 wants to know if he gets extra bonus, and isn't sure he signed up
for Mordor's HMO on re-enrollment week. His big toe is really looking
bad. Thoughts?
Sauron@Mordor.net
No.1, oh dear Witch-king. Apparently I have failed as a manager to
sufficiently convey the importance of the OneRing project. To wit: Your
sole purpose is to find the One Ring. Then lay your hands upon it. Do
not put it on! Keep it safe on your journey back to Mordor. Then give it
to me. That's it. All the personnel concerns you have mentioned will be
taken care of, as long as you bring It back. Got that? Comprendez? Dost
thou fathom?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
You're right as always, Boss. The One Ring. Got ya loud and clear.
Uh, OK, sorry it's been a week since last email. We like nearly had him
at the Ford, Rivendale. I mean, we were really, really close. Even
though we had to mess with an elvish warrior and chase after an
incredibly fast horse carrying Ringbearer, we were on it. Dude, there
was this flood you wouldn't imagine, with scary horse things, and our
own horses just freaked, so you'll have to blame the horses, which
drowned. Since none of us can swim, and the flood was so terrible, all
of us are now buck naked, although I still have my crown. No one lost
their ring, which is a plus, right?
Sauron@Mordor.net
(Sigh). This is not happening. Feared Nazgul in a pig's eye!
You have new orders: Get your butts back to the office. No, wait, you'll
just get lost on the way. I'm sending my nine foul beasts of the air to
fetch you.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Flying first class, Boss! This is way better than riding horses. Thanks
for the gesture. We'll be able to get that Ring on Air Mordor, if you
would just give us another chance. Please?
Sauron@Mordor.net
After lengthy consideration, have decided against my better judgement to
send the Nine out again to find the Ring. Yes, you will be flying Air
Mordor this time. Make sure the beasts eat some grass for roughage,
damnit.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Back in first class, Boss. Thanks for the reprieve!
Sauron@Mordor.net
Hobbits reported in Moria. Company now numbering nine. How quaint.
Balrog will get them. Then orcs will bring out Ring. Watch the eastern
exit.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Moria not on map, much less east exit. Asked elves in Lothlorien for
directions, but no help there. Took a vote and will watch Anduin River
near Rauros. Wish us luck!
Sauron@Mordor.net
You're going to need it.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Good news, Boss! Found the crew (there's eight, not nine like you said).
Unfortunately, No.3's beast was shot down by an elf, so expect him to
show up all bedraggled at Black Gate. He lost his key, so you'll have to
let him in. No.2 hasn't been feeding his beast any grass, and its poop
is just horrible! Also, looks like your orcs joined up with Saruman's
brood. They captured two of the hobbits after killing man of Gondor. Go
orcs. Seems they are heading toward Isengard, not Mordor. Suggest you
contact them and send reliable map! Lost sight of remaining hobbits. But
rest of company chasing after said orcs, which means that's where the
Ring must be. Regards.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Isengard?! No. Nooo!!! All of you return to headquarters immediately!
Witch-king, you head toward Isengard and intercept orcs.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Boss, went to Isengard like you said, but had to make sure beast got
enough grass, so unable to overtake orcs. Someone really trashed
Isengard. Don't think Saruman got the Ring, because otherwise he would
have kept his place from getting hosed, right? Anyway, it looks like
Rohan won their battle with Saruman the White, who is actually sporting
more a tie-dye look these days.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Mercy! I'll have to wage war to get this Ring back. You, Witch-king, go
out and attack anyone who looks like they might be wielding One Ring.
I'm thinking King of Rohan, since last time I checked he was Saruman's
cabana boy.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Oh, hi Boss. It's No.2. Bit of bad news. A girl beheaded Witch-king’s
beast. Good news is King of Rohan's horse killed him. Unlikely he had
Ring, like you said. But real bad news is Witch-king was stabbed in knee
by a hobbit, and then killed by the girl. I thought we couldn't die,
because of the rings you gave us. Is there something I should know? Oh
yeah, you lost the battle of Pelennor (probably just to fake 'em out,
I'll bet). Anyway, I guess this makes me No.1, right?
Sauron@Mordor.net
(Sigh). Sure, you can be No.1, if it makes you happy. Would you all just
circle the skies around Mordor, like at a really high altitude so you
can't be shot down? That would be just peachy. You Eight can do that,
can't you?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Did what you said, Boss, flying high. Seems like 7,000 of the enemy are
marching toward the home office. Better back up the database, right?
Sauron@Mordor.net
Finally some good news. The captains of the West are pushing their luck.
One of them probably has the Ring, but hasn't mastered it. Circle above
the Black Gate.
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Great news, Boss! Battle going great. They are completely surrounded.
You're a genius.
Sauron@Mordor.net
Fools! The One Ring!! It's at Mount Doom! Fly, fly I tell thee! Fly to
Mount Doom and grab the Ring before it's too late!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Mount Doom? That's a volcano. Isn't it pretty hot there?
Sauron@Mordor.net
Go to Mount Doom immediately! The Ring, get the Ring! Do it!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
OK, Boss, will do. Is the Ring INSIDE the volcano, or just near it?
Well, I suppose we'll find out when we get there. Wish us luck!
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Boss, are you there? The volcano is erupting something fierce. No can
find Ring. Can't even sense its presence. Are you sure it's at Mount
Doom?
ringwraiths@Mordor.net
Hey Boss, did you know that Mordor is crumbling? Boss?