2004.05.31 Texas Barbie Dolls



Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie dolls for the
DFW Metroplex market:



Plano Barbie. This princess Barbie is only sold at Willowbend Mall. She comes
with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign
lapdog named Honey, and a cookie-cutter dream house with a saguaro cactus in
front. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic
ex-husband Ken comes with a Porsche.



Richardson Barbie. This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford
Windstar minivan and matching gym suit. She gets lost easily and has no
full-time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold
separately. Can swear in English, Spanish or Chinese. Available at Target.



Oak Cliff Barbie. This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, Bowie
knife, a '78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model
is only available after dark and can only be bought with cash, preferably small
bills, unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.



Park Cities Barbie. This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW
convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card set,
and country club membership. Also available are Shallow Ken and
Spanish-speaking Nanny. University Park Barbie hasn't been affordable since the
early 80's.



Mesquite Barbie. This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two
sizes too small, a classic Metallica shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her
shoulder. Wants to major in NASCAR at Eastfield College. She has a six-pack of
Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick
mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately
and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Available at Ross or
at special locations in Canton on First Mondays.



Garland Barbie. This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her
own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut
Ken out of Mesquite Barbie's (discontinued) house. Her ensemble includes
low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss, and a
see-through halter top. Comes with Barbie's dream doublewide trailer.
Available at Wal-Mart. Cheap.



North Dallas Barbie. This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears leopard
print spandex and drinks cosmopolitans to new age music with friends at the
lodge. Into crystals. Comes with Percocet prescription and botox. Also cheap.



Grand Prairie Barbie. This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll.
Optional accessories include a G.E.D. and bus pass to UTA. Gangsta Ken and his
'79 Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition
of the infant.



Denton Barbie. This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown
hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white
socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken
doll, but if you purchase two Austin Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you
get a rainbow flag sticker free.



McKinney Barbie. Is pregnant, drives a new Ford Excursion, and is perfect in
every way. We don't know who Ken is because he's always away hunting or in
Japan on business. McKinney Barbie aspires to become Plano Barbie. Not cheap,
but still very naive.



College Station Barbie. Into football [Ed. note: WHY???], animals and
bonfires. 98% belong to a cult, 2% are free thinking and void of any
"traditions." Does nothing but complain about Austin Barbie.



West Dallas Barbie. This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Toyota
with expired temporary plates and three babies in the back, without car seats.
This is the only Barbie willing to do manual labor. Ken comes in a
meat-packer's uniform and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green
cards are not yet available for West Dallas Barbie or Ken. Available at
Carnival Stores only.



Austin Barbie/Ken. This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to
Ken by simply adding or subtracting the "snap-on" parts. Likes to "experiment."
Doesn't understand why College Station Barbie complains so much.