The Dirty Joke Thread!!

[Dartaignon]

Rules are simple, post a dirty joke.

Why did the blonde screw a mexican?

Here English teacher told her to do an essay!

[Baltyn]

ummm....errrr......why is me head hurting??? someone shoot me now please

[Sarr]

I don't know if you'll consider this dirty or not but...I always find it funny for some reason...here goes...

A little boy walks into a public restroom and heads towards the urinals. Standing at the urinal is a man in a Navy uniform. The little boy walks up next to him and says "Wow! Are you in the Navy?" The Squid...err...Navy guy says "Yeah...you wanna wear my hat?" The boy says "Sure!! Thanks!". So the Navy guy plunks the hat down on the boys head. A few seconds later a Marine comes in and stands on the other side of the boy. The boy looks at him in awe and says "WOW! Are you a Marine?" The Marine looks at the boy and says with a slight scowl "Yeah you wanna suck my dick?" The boy looks at him and shrugs towards the Navy guy and says "No...I'm just wearing this guy's hat".

[Xyln]

A Snail walk into a bar and asks"Can i get a drink,please"?

The bartender says "We do not serve snails,get out"!

They proceed to get into an argument and the bartender FLICKS the snail out the door.

A week later the snail walks back in and the bartender says"Can i help you"?

And the snails says "What the fuck you did that for?!"

[Dartaignon]

Some good ones I had in my inbox this morning that inspired this thread.

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."
The husband says, "What about one my size?"

His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.

The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

His wife says, "What about ones like mine?"

The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction."

--

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at his breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replied Gramps, "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!

[ThePerfectFlaw]

I don't get Sarr's joke. 8( Damn military humor.

[Maniacles]

..These are, perhaps, the nastiest jokes I know....


What good is an 11 year old girl in the shower?
If you slick her hair back, she looks like a 5 year old boy.

How do you know when your sister is on the rag?
Your dad's dick tastes like blood.

[JammanDarkdaddy]

Ok, a husband walks into a sex-shop and tells the guy at the counter that he's after something that will really please his wife.

So the guy behind the counter rumages around for a while and finally: "Ah, here it is".
He pulls out an old wooden box and blows dust off the top.
"What is in this box was the first ever dildo. It was hand carved by a great voodoo master thousands of years ago and it has incredible powers".

He proceeded to open the box and there lay what looked like an astonishingly real, huge, erect penis.
"Of course this particular item is not cheap, but if you let me demonstrate i doubt you will refuse its purchase."

"Sure, go ahead, so long as you're not gonna bend over." the husband said.

"Oh don't worry I wouldn't do anything like that. Anyway, watch. Voodoo dildo, keyhole."

At that point, the dildo raised up into the air, flew across the room to the door, and started vigorously pumping against the keyhole.

"Oh my God!" said the husband, "That is incredible!"

"I thought you'd be impressed. Voodoo dildo, box"

The dildo then stopped and calmly hovered back over to the box and laid itself down. The lid closed tight.

"I'll take it I'll take it!"

When he returned home he excitedly presented the dildo to his wife and told her that all she has to do is to simply tell it what you want it to screw and it will perform incredible penetration.

The following day the husband had to go off to work.
Being at home with nothing much to do, the wife decided she was gonna give the voodoo dildo a try.

She laid the box down by the bed, took all her clothes off and said:

"Voodoo dildo my vagina."

The dildo flew out of the box and towards her, performing the best sex she ever had and ever will have.
After multiple orgasms she decided she wanted to give it a rest.

"Voodoo dildo, stop" she said, but nothing happened.
"Voodoo dildo, cease!" Still nothing.

She began to panic, so she grabbed her gown and ran to her car and proceeded to drive to the hospital to try and get it removed.

On the way there, she couldnt keep proper control of the car, swerving as the dildo kept giving her orgasms.

Nee-nor Nee-nor. A patrol car started chasing her so she eventually slowed down and pulled over.
The police officer got out of his car and came over to her, as she wound down the window.

"Madame, please step out of the car and take a breathilizer test." The officer said.

"Sir, i haven't been drinking," She said jitteringly "I have a voodoo dildo stuck inside me and i can't get it out!"

The police officer then said "Voodoo dildo, my arse."

[zarkarin]

HAHAHAHAH voodoo dildo... classic

[Jakkala]

How do you make a 6 year old girl cry twice?
Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.

[Kein Bojangles]

Whats black and blue and hates sex?


The 8 year old in my closet

[Baltyn]

Try living with her Zehn

[Ickabob]

why did the chicken cross the road???!!!! :hat

Ickabob Krayne
56 Bard

[Marajayd]

A man at a grocery store is at the checkout stand as a woman gets in line behind him. She starts to unload her groceries onto the conveyer belt.

The man looks at everything she unloads, milk, bread, soda's, vegtables. He then looks at her and says " Your single aren't ya?"

The woman looks at her groceries and doesn't see anything that gives it away, so curious to know how he knew she asks the man " Yes I am, how did you know?"

The man replies " You're fuckin ugly"

[almadar01]

Not dirty but heard this one today and found it quite funny.

Why its a bad idea to hit a black guy riding a bicycle with your car?
Because it could be your bike.

[BohboHero]

2 of my favorites


Whats the difference between a hooker and an onion?
-Nobody cries when you chop up a hooker.


Why do women wear makeup and perfume?
- Because they are ugly and they stink.

[Tierfin]

heres a really bad joke

Dart is smart.

Nuggets
Screenshots, "Thank You"s, humor and such...

After you dictate, tell me how my dictate

[Gwendylin Soulember]

Why do gay men wear ribbed condom?
To get traction in the mud


How do you circumsise a hillbilly
Punch his sister in the jaw


What is a yankiee
The same as a quickee but he can do it himself

[Nark84]

Whats the difference between a hooker and an onion?
-Nobody cries when you chop up a hooker.Alternatively, what do a hooker and an onion have in common?
They both make it burn when you pee after you have sex with them!

... :(

[Baltyn]

hope this isnt from personal experience

[Furfur the Monk]

Linda 16 to her father: "Dad, can I have some cash? I wanna go to the cinema."
Dad: "Sure, if you give me a blowjob"
Linda: "Hell no, you disgusting piece of shit!"

Linda rushed out of the room in anger, of course. She went to her room and did some thinking. "Maybe I should give him that blowjob... After all, its a good movie and all my friends are going..." Linda thought. She went back to the livingroom, where her dad sat.

She said: "Ill give you that blowjob if i get money for some candy and soda too."
Dad: "Sure."

Linda got to it and started to suck daddys penis. But after a short while she exclaimed*: "What the fuck, it tastes like shit!"
And her dad replyed: "Well, your brother wanted to go to a hockey game..."

(* I dont know if exclaim is the word really, my english skills arent too good :p )

[zarkarin]

better english then amplifyre :)

and yes, exclaimed is right.

We refer to the cinema as "the movies"



potato... potatoe.. same difference o.O
EDIT: Sig rules state 50kb max, please change your sig, thank you -- Hubbe

[Furfur the Monk]

Wtf, you forgot to laugh ! :\

[Shewdogg]

Lol Furfur.

[zarkarin]

LOL, i did laugh.. but outloud :(

[Denovo Albertini]

Nice one Baltyn!!!...

[Baltyn]

What i do?? Im innocent of all charges unless you have pictures

[Wick Dertodesengel]

Ok so these two elderly folks, George and Elenor, have been dating for awhile and decide its time they made love.

They head back to George's house and striat to the bed room, where they begin to undress. At this point Elenor is a little concernd, you see she has a heart condition and isn't sure she should say anythink to George.

She decides she better say something, just in case she has an attack, while making love.

So she says to George, "George hun, I need to tell you something. I have acute angina".

George tells her "I hope so, cause your tits are ugly as hell"

[Wick Dertodesengel]

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a
bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes
a genie.

The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello Master, I
will grant you one wish, anything that you want."

The Russian begins thinking, "Well I really like drinking
vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka
whenever I want, so make me piss vodka."

The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home
he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He
looks at the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he
smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a test and
it is the best vodka
that he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come
quickly."

She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes
another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He
tells her to drink, that it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant
but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka that she
has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

The next night the Russian comes home from work and tells
his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeds
to piss in the two glasses. The result is the same, the
vodka is excellent and the couple drink
until the sun comes up.

Finally, Friday night comes and the Russian tells his wife
to grab one glass from the cupboard and we will
drink vodka.

She gets the glass but asks him "Boris, why do we only need
one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because
tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

[Dartaignon]

A little koala bear wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute asleep on the bed. He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute.
She wakes up and decides that since it feels so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs off the bed and heads for the door. The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that". The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door.

The prostitute yells at him again, "Hey you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute". She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.

PROSTITUTE
(n.) a person receiving payment for sexual services.

The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.

KOALA
(n.) a small bear that eats bushes and leaves.

-----

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan."
After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother George. She and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife and mother but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom so ... I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half sister and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was broken-hearted. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Mom, Dad ... Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Dianne is your half sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Ha Haa," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says, you can marry either of those girls.”

“But Mum that’s sick, it’s incest.”

“No… no… dear, it’s Ok, because he's not really your father

[Xanif]

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

He got the gas bill.

[Noarm]

"Why did the blonde screw a mexican?

Here English teacher told her to do an essay!"

haha please before you post a joke learn how to spell it right . i belive what u ment to say is

"HER English teacher told her to do an essay!"

[Xanif]

You spelled believe wrong in your correction of other people's spelling. DOH.

[Dartaignon]

pwned!

[Slant Earthshaker]

And meant, and you technically.

Master Damoiel Mindbend
Retired Enchanter of the 60th Season

[Jilohango]

some of these are just sayings and such
but still funny


Your like a brick
Flat on all sides and get laid by mexicans

What do Turtle's and Blondes have in common?
When they're on there backs, they are screwed

Your like a bublegum Machine
25cents a blow

Connfucious says Virginity is like a bubble
1 Prick and its gone

Confucious says baseball is not a sport
man with 4 balls cannot walk

What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A brunette with bad breath.

What happened to the 18yr old blonde cheerleader when she did a split?
13 class rings fell out

[Cronuus]

Heres a good one...

"Noar correcting other's spelling"

[IamPJP]

Staush was hitchhiking to California and got picked up by a truck driver. The driver was in a hurry and could not make any stops. About 20 miles down the road Staush said, "I have to take shit!"

The driver said, "I don't have the time to stop."

Staush replied, "Got to shit!"

The driver pulled over and said, "Go down over the hill and take a shit and hurry up."

Ten minutes passed, and no Staush had not returned. The driver hollered, "Hurry up!" Staush asked if he had any toilet paper. The driver replied, "No! wipe your ass on a dollar.

After a while, Staush came up the hill with shit all over him. The driver said, "How did you get shit all over yourself?"

Staush replied, "You ever try to wipe ass on three quarters two dimes and a nickel?"

[IamPJP]

A spastic walks into an ice cream shop and goes to the guy behind the counter "UH EXCUTH ME SIR, CAN I PLIS HAVE A ICECWEAM" and the dude is like "sure son, what flavour would you like" and the tard says "OH IT DUSNT MATTER, I ONLY GOING TO DWOP THE CUNT ANYWAY"

[Swifton]

A young man is in the mens room pissin when a 4 ft tall man comes up beside him to pee. The youmg man peeks over to see what so small a man is packing and is shocked to see the largest penis he ever saw!!

The young man is so shocked that he blurts out. "Holy Shit Bud! How the fuck did you wind up with such a Huge Dick!!."

The short man turns and smiles. "Ahh Me Laddy! Tiz because I am a leprachaun an wished it pon meself don cha know? Ifn ya likes I kin be grantin ya the vera same boon but I'm thinkin ya might nut be able to handle the process?"

The young man eagerly agreed. " oh wow dude I'll do ANYTHING for a dick that huge!! The Women would go NUTS!!

The leprachaun smiles. " tell you wot lad..you bend ova fer me and let me have mah way with yer arse and I'll be grantin ya wish.

The young man reluctantly agrees to this and is soon screaming into a dirty sock as the leprachaun goes to town on his ass.

As the leprachaun is doing the young man he says. Now Lad! as part of the magic shout ya age as I blow me load !

The young man shouts 18!

The short man laughs as he zips up and shakes his head.

"18 years old and you still believe in leprachauns?"

And laughs his way out of the mens room.

[Akom of Cazic Thule]

How are mo-peds and fat chicks the same?

They're both fun to ride till your friends find out.




Whats the difference between a slut and a b!tch?

A slut has sex with everyone at the party, a b!tch has sex with everyone at the party except you.




A woman is in a car accident and it put into a coma. When the woman's husband gets to the hospital, they inform him that she has shown no signs of improving, and they don't know if she would ever come out of the coma.

The man, saddened, walked over and sat in a chair by his wife. He reached down to take her hand, and as he did, he heart monitor started beeping faster. The doctors rushed in and asked what happened. The man explained that he had just taken her hand. The doctors, amazed, asked if he would be willing to try to get another reaction out of her. He agreed.

The doctors said "Why don't you try giving her a kiss?"
So the man leaned down and kissed his wife. The heart monitor started beeping even faster than when he had taken her hand.

Then the doctors said "Well, we seem to be on the right path, but you need to stimulate her more... would you be willing to try oral sex? We would give you your privacy, and would watch a heart monitor from the other room." The man agreed and the doctors left the room.

After a minute, the heart monitor started beeping the fastest it had yet, but after about 30 seconds it red-lined. The doctors rushed into the room and asked "What happened?!?"

The man looked at them and said "Well, I was trying oral sex like you said and... I guess she choked."





And finally, not a dirty joke, but one I found funny:

Two fish are in a tank. One looks over at the other and says "You man the guns, I'll drive."

[zenrkscallytail]

what's the differance between a prostitute and an onion?






























no one crys when you cut up a prostitute

[DaidaltheMinstrel]

Read the thread bro, haha

[Talari]

There are 3 soldiers in basra in Iraq on a peace keeping mission under the control of the local shiek.

There's a Brit, an American and a French soldier. One Friday night they find a keg of beer and can't resist getting trashed. Being it an arab country and drinking being illegal, when they get caught the Shiek demands a public whipping for their crime. He demands 20 lashes of the whip in a public slaying.

The Brit is up first, and just as he's about to get his first lash the Sheik returns with great news that his cousin is getting married so he grants them all one wish.

The Brit asks for a pillow to be tied to his back. After 10 lashes the pillow has been smashed to pieces and the last 10 rip his back to shreds.

The french soldier requests 2 pillows, laughing at the Brit, but even 2 pillows only lasts 10 lashes and he too feels the last 10 lashes.

Just as the American is about to get lashed, the Sheik runs out with even further great news, as his wife is expecting their first child. As a show of his great generosity he tell's the American you may have 2 wishes.

The American say's "sure, give me 40 lashes for my first wish".

The Sheik looking surprised says "As you wish".

American. "And for my second wish, tie that French bastard to my back".

[Glencannon]

In Tennessee, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the
backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

[Popi Tinythug]

You're the one that did the sad euro faces website and t shirt designs Zenrk? If yes, while its borderline stalking a whole continent, its damned funny :)

[BeelziodDaTroll]

A Jewish princess and a Hells Angel biker fall in love. After dating a few months the princess decides that the biker needs to meet her parents.

On the ride over to the parent’s house the princess informs the biker of a strange tradition at the Jewish household. The first one to speak once they sit down at the table must do the dishes. The biker nods and thinks to himself of ways to get the others to talk.

After a normal greeting the all sit down to eat. As the food is served the biker begins his quest to get someone to speak first. He lets off a tremendous fart, ya know the kind that fogs up a room? No one even budged; they all just sat there and continued to eat.

Thinking quickly he grabs the princess, throws her down in the mashed potatoes and fucks her on the kitchen table. When he is finished, no one moves, they just continue eating. Even the princess just smoothes out her dress and sits back down.

Frustrated, the biker thinks to himself "Man these people are serious about his shit." Then it dawns on him how to break the silence.

He grabs the princess's mother throws her over the table and ass fucks her right in front of the father. When he finishes she stands up smoothes out her dress and sits back down and continues to eat.

Frustrated the biker returns to his seat to continue eating himself, but as he walks passed the window he sees a rain clouds moving in. Thinking the rain will ruin the paint job on his bike he reaches into his back pocket for a tube of Vaseline for his bike.

Suddenly the father stands up and yells "ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I'LL WASH THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

[trimlock]

haha, thats as good as the voodoo dildo

[Tamdara Anani Mahs]

I think I broke something I laughed so hard Beelz :rollin

[Kyria Kyluma]

Rofl Furfur yours is the best ha!

[Kyria Kyluma]

Mikey Mouse and Mini mouse are in divorce court.

The Judge looks at Mikey and says "So you want to divorce your wife becasue she is insane yes"

Mikey replies "No, she's not insane, i said she was fucking Goofy!"

[Marajayd]

A man aand his wife are driving home from dinner when they are suddenly smashed by another driver. They are both rushed to the hospital immediately.

After a few hours the man is released from the hospital after being treated and is approached by the doctor who treated his wife. The doctor says " John, your wife is in terrible condition. She is severely brain damaged and has lost all functionality from her limbs. You are going to have to change your entire life to take care of her, you will need to feed her, have to change her diapers, and commit 6-8 hrs a day to her physical therapy."

The husband drops to his knee's and begins to cry uncontrollably when the doctor places his hand on his shoulder and says "Naw, I'm just fuckin with you man, she's dead."

[Kililia quickpaw]

why do hippos have sex underwater?

How elsewould you keep a 600lb pussy lubricated.

[Beraska]

A man and a woman are on the way to a church to get married. On the way to the church their car is smashed by an 18-wheeler and both are killed. Next thing they know they are standing in front of St. Peter at the pealry gates of heaven. St. Peter asks them if they are ready to go in. The man and woman tell St. Peter that they would still like to get married and want to know if its ok. St. Peter tells them to hold on a moment and goes inside heaven to find a priest. 3 months pass. During this time the couple is having second thoughts that maybe getting married in heaven isn't such a good thing, because it is forever. St. Peter emerges from the gates, looking incredibly tired, and tells them that they can get married in heaven. The couple tell him that they are unsure now if they want to be married for all time or not and if it is possible to get a divorce in heaven. St. Peter looked at them enraged and said "It took me 3 months to find a priest in heaven, and now you expect me to find a lawyer!!!"

[ptolmy]

How do you make a dead baby float?

...
























Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop dead baby. =X

[Heruu]

Man moves into a new home and within the week his somewhat rough neighbor comes around to introduce himself. Well they get to talking and the neighbor asks "so what is it you do exactly?"

The man replies "I teach deduction at the university"
The neighbor looks puzzled "What's dedection?"
"Let me demonstrate" the man says. "Do you have a dog?"
"Yes"
"and by this I can deduce that you have children?"
"uh-huh"
"And by the fact that you have children I can deduce that you are a heterosexual in your late 20's"
Now the neighbor looks amazed "Thats incredible" he says "Im going to have to try that on my friend."

Well the next day said friend visits and the neighbor is all excited, "DOOD!!! Check this out, I just learned this thing called Deduction"
The friends turn to look puzzled now "What is that??"
"Here check this out" says neighbor, "Do you have a dog?"
The friend replies "No"

"FAG!"

[Hubbe]

For another version of the above joke.. see pub142.ezboard.com/fayona...=685.topic (http://pub142.ezboard.com/fayonaerofrm12.showMessage?topicID=685.topic)
:P

[Heruu]

Bah... didnt see that =\

[Dartaignon]

Best costume ever.

http://home.earthlink.net/~cybertechnics/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/halloweenpriest.jpg

[Gandaar]

Ohhhh.... now that's just wrong...

Funny, but wrong...

*chokes on his Diet Coke as he looks at it and laughs again*

[Baltyn]

Got this from my wife this morning

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart cov
ered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the
eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then
closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point,
one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he
said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a
gynecologist."
And at that point, the proctologist fainted.

[Talari]

Whats the best combo of 2 jobs u can have?

Gynecologist and a taste tester.

[Heruu]

Incidentally that also has the potential to be the WORST job combo :P

[Binuvin]

Bit of a long one, but here goes.....

It's around 1969, an American, an Irish man, and a Newfy are sitting around in a pub on George Street in St John's, Newfoundland. They'd had a rough night of partying and in fact had been living it large for over a month now. Feeling that they were spread pretty thin and the fact that they weren't doing much with their lives, they decide to enlist in the US Army, to go and fight in Vietnam.

All three go through boot camp together, they end up in the same unit together, and they go overseas together. They fight hard, play hard, fuck hard, drink hard, but they stick togethe like they were brothers. Quickly being recognized as one of the more decorated groups of soldiers around, they start to get asked to partake in more dangerous missions. Sadly on one of these missions, they disappear without a trace. 5 years come and go, and then through a surprise exchange of POW's the boys are coming home!!!

They fly into JFK airport and standing there is an administration officer carrying a brief case. The three approach the man, give him the high five and wait for the officer to speak.

"Gentlemen, the President himself is thankful for your safe return. We cannot thank you enough for the job that you three have done for us. As a small token of our appreciation, the President has authorized me to make a deal. I have a measuring tape. You tell me what part of your body to measure and however many inches it is, then that's how many thousands of dollars you shall recieve."

The officer approaches the American first, and the young soldier starts his tale:

"Those bastards over there strapped me to a stretching rack. Everyday they stretched and stretched me more and more. Look at me!! I'm over 8 ft tall!!!! I want you to measure me from the tip of my head to the bottom of my feet."

With that the officer measured him, 100 inches came up and he punched a cheque for $100,000. With that the young soldier took his money, bid a fond farewell to his comrades and headed home for some R&R.

The second was the Irish man. He proceeded to tell his story:

"Aye laddy, those pieces of shit, they put chains on each of me wrists and put me between two horses going in opposite directions. Look at me!!! I look like a gorilla!!! I want to be measured from the tip of one middle finger to the other with my arms stretched out at my sides."

With that the officer measured, and it came up 180 inches and punched a cheque for $180,000. The Irish man shook hands with the Newfy, and boarded a plane for Ireland.

Now the Officer had known about Newfy's for some time, and knew them to be a playful sort. He was tired and cranky after the flight and wasn't in the mood for games. He made an effort to get this overwith:

"How you doing there, Son?"

"Fine, Sir!"

"What part to you want me to measure on you?"

"From the tip of my dick to the back of my balls, SIR!"

Now remember, they're in a very crowded airport, they are starting to draw stares after the last exchange.

"Son, that is hardly appropriate talk and behavior from a soldier. I will ask again, what part do you want me to measure?"

"From the tip of my dick to the back of my balls, SIR!"

Now the Officer is MAD!

"Look here you little shit, one more time, and if you tell me what you've been saying, I'll make you drop your pants right here, in front of all these people!"

"Yes Sir! From the tip of my dick to the back of my balls, SIR!"

So the Newfy drops his pants, the officer starts measuring at the tip of his dick.

The officer says "2 inches......3 inches.....4 inches.....5 inches.....HOLY SHIT NEWF!! WHERE'S YOUR BALLS?!?!?!"

The newfy says: "Back in Vietnam!"

[Baltyn]

ok call me stupid but wtf is a Newfy

[Xanif]

I think someone from Newfoundland. /shrug

[Gandaar]

Newfy = someone from Newfoundland <shrug>

[Binuvin]

/sigh

You mean that there are peeps out there that STILL don't know what a Newfy is?

Btw, how many Newfy's are there out there?

/em raises hand

[Stars Of Tears]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.

"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."

"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."

"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"

"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[Binuvin]

A Newfy is walking down the street and sees a sign in the window of a local watering hole:

"Make the Horse laugh, win $1000 and drink for free!"

With a challenge like that, the Newfy proceeded inside.

He proceeds to the bartender and asks about the rules. He replies that they are quite simple, just make the horse laugh.

With that, the Newfy goes over and whispers in the Horse's ear. A split second later, the horse is on the floor laughing so hard, it can barely stand. The Bartender, stunned as he was, passed the Newfy his $1000 and a couple of shots of whiskey. It was then he made his proposition:

"If ye can make him cry, It'll be double or nothing".

With that he drinks his shots, pockets his cash and takes the horse out back. 2 Minutes later they come back and the horse is in tears. It's crying so hard, the floor is slick with it's tears.

After the Newfy pockets the other 1K, the bartender asks:

"Newf, how'd ye make him laugh?" To which he replied "I simply told em that my dick was bigger than his".

Fair enough thought the bartender, but then he said:

"How did ye make him cry?" To which the Newfy replied:

"I took him out back and showed him!"

[Belzebuth666]

A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for wearing very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter.

Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely. The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf.

The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view, just as he had surmised he would be.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get 2 loaves as he is having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the 2nd loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on.

Thinking quickly, he quickly requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.

Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this raisin bread for herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.

Thinking to save herself a trip she yells, "Is yours raisin, too?" "No," croaks the feeble old man...."But it's startin' to twitch."

[Binuvin]

A newfy walks into a bar in downtown Boston. Both Newfoundland and Boston have their roots from Ireland, so when he steps into the pub, it reminds him of home.

The music is perfect, the bartender is a jolly old sort named O'Hara, the Guiness is perfect, life couldn't be better.

With a tear in his eye, he raises his glass to the bartender and says "This is one of the best pubs I've ever been in. Cheers to ye and yours!"

With that he downs his pint, and staggers off to the washroom.

About 15 minutes passes and the Newfy is PISSED!

"This is the WORST FUCKING bar I've EVER been in!!!"

O'Hara, being offended, says "Now why do ye say that? It was only 15 short minutes ago ye were praising the place up!!"

The newfy says, "When I went into the shaggin bathroom, this rather large lad came up to me, put a gun to my head and told me "Suck my dick or I'll shoot!" "

The bartender, a little confused, asks "What happened?"

To which the newfy replied, "Well, ye didn't hear no fucking gun go off did ye?!?!?!"

[Leaden Skulcrusherr]

On the day of their 50th anniversary the reminiscing wife finds the negligee she wore on her wedding night and puts it on. She goes to her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"

He looks up from his newspaper and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."

She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"

He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."

"Well, what was it?" she asks.

He's not much in the mood for this, but he sighs and responds, "Well, honey, as I remember, I said, 'Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out".

She giggles and says, "Yes dear, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?"

He looked her up and down, and replied, "Mission accomplished."

[Rezu da Healer]

School Play

If You don't laugh at this one there is no hope for your day!

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean Play. The first little boy was to say "My fair maiden....I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope". The second little boy was to reply by saying "Hark! a pistol shot"

Well on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified! . They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable
words...........................

"My fair maiden....I have come to kiss your snatch!... and fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of sh*t, horse sh*t, cow sh*t, bull sh*t....I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway...

The audience left howling.
---

[Larkious]

What do you tell a chick with 2 black eyes? Nothing you already told her twice.

[Kainseth123]

Who has crabs in his pants, warts on his mouth and a stinkfinger?
























Shew

[Belzebuth666]

President Bush, Donald Rumsfeld and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Isn't that Bush, Rumsfeld and Powell sitting over there?"

Bartender says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WWIII ".

And the guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Rumsfeld says, "Well, we're going to kill 25 million Iraqis this time and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smartie?! I told you no one would worry about the 25 million Iraqis!"

[Stars Of Tears]

FEMALE PRAYER

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks,
When he says he'll call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never attempt to hit on my friend.
And as I kneel and pray by my bed,
I look at the creep you sent me instead.
Amen.


MALE PRAYER

I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store.
Amen.

[Roggan Abadacus]

Bill's all excited about his new rifle so he goes bear hunting in Alaska.

The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says, "You've got two choices. One, I maul you to death or, two, we have sex." Bill bends over for the bear. He's sore for two days, but he recovers and vows revenge.

Bill heads out on another trip to Alaska and he finds the black bear and kills him. At that moment there is a tap on his shoulder. A huge grizzly is standing right behind him. The grizzly says, "That was a big mistake. You've got two choices: either I maul you to death or we have sex." Bill
bends over. He survives, but he's really hurting and takes quite a bit of time to recover, and he's outraged.

Sure enough, he heads back to Alaska and finds the grizzly and shoots him at point blank range. There's a tap on his shoulder. He turns around to find an enormous polar bear, and the polar bear says, "You don't really come here for the hunting, do you?"

[sirsamanusuke]

what did you do next, roggan? =)

[Namrog Ramrod]

Q:What does a Blonde do when she wakes up?
A:She Goes Home!


Q:What do Catholic Priests and K-Mart have in common?
A:They both have little boys pants half off!


Q:What do Viagra and Disneyland have in common?
A:They both make you stand around for an hour waiting for a ride!

Q:What's the difference between a Blonde and a 747?
A:Not everyone has been in a 747!

OK, a guy and his wife are laying in bed, when all of a sudden the guy lays out a fart. When his wife asked,"What the hell was that?" He replies,"Score, 1-0!" To retaliate, she then lays out a fart of her own, to even the score saying, "Tied, 1-1!" Thinking that he has some competition here, he gets ready for the mother of all farts, and ends up crapping the bed. She asks,"What was THAT?" He says,"That's means its halftime, switch sides!!!"

[aesahaetr]

A regular walks into a butchers shop and says to the butcher:

" Hey,how come your assistant isn`t at work? "

" I sacked the bastard " Replied the manager.

-customer " What!,why ? "

-manager " He was stickin his dick in the bacon-slicer "

-customer " What happened?! "














-manager " I sacked her as well! "

______________________________

*disclaimer* This is only my version constructed from what i remember :)

[zenrkscallytail]

What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded.

What's blue and fucks old people?
Hypothermia

What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter?
The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

How do you swat 200 flies at one time?
Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

What is the definition of "making love?"
Something a woman does while a guy is f**king her.

What do 54,000 abused woman every year have in common?
They don't fucking listen.

What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
Gonorrhoea

Why did God create yeast infections?
So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt once in a while, too.
How can you tell a macho woman?
She rolls her own tampons.

Why do fags like ribbed condoms?
Better traction in the mud.

What's the difference between a woman and a sheep?
The sheep doesn't get upset if you screw her sister.

What's the difference between acne and Michael Jackson?
Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13
years old.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.

What do you get when you cross two black people?
Your ass kicked.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen?
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour.

Why do women call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

What's a mixed feeling?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.

What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.

What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?
You know she'll swallow.

Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the
same day in Iraq?
They don't want to wear out the camel.

What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewellery.

What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

How do the little boys at Michael Jackson's ranch know when it
is bedtime?
When the big hand touches the little hand.

How do you know when it's time to wash dishes and clean the
house?
Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.

Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
They spray paint X's on the backs of the animals that kick.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

[sirsamanusuke]

What's blue and fucks old people?

Damn, i swore that the answer to that one was Vhex :-(

[Stars Of Tears]

Scientists in Canada revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking shit and couldn't drive.

[ThePerfectFlaw]

It's the only way I'll get any Saman. 8(

[Gandaar]

Here's something to offend almost everyone.....


--------------------------------------------------

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?....Juan on Juan.

What is a Yankee?.....The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?..... The position of the dirt bag.

Why do married men die so much younger than single men?.... Because they WANT to.

What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?.......One US leader.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?.......Doughnuts.

Why is air a lot like sex?......Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?.....A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?.......Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?.....45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?......45 minutes.

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?......None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?......Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?.......They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?....Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?...... After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?......The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?.....The blonde, because she's 18.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?.....Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?.....A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?..... "Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?..... Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?..... Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?.....Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?......Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?.....He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?........Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?......."Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?.....A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?.....They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?...... A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?.....They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?......A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with.... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?.....Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this @#%$..."

MY . . . MY HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED...Years ago...When 100 white men chased one black man, we called it the Ku Klux Klan; today they call it the PGA TOUR..

Why is there no Disneyland in China?....No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Kivorn]

LMFAO Gandaar.
Much appreciated.

[Gandaar]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach,for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Hmmm... I miss the couch... I should have asked for it in the divorce.. <sigh>

[Fadorn]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good-time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went in the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[Maniacles]

Why do battered women get beaten?

(smacking one of your hands with the back side of your other hand) Because they DON'T. FUCKING. LISTEN.

[rabican1]

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.


HAHAHAHAHAHA

[Gerfs]

You know there are over 400,000 battered women in the US!?!?















And ive been eating mine raw this whole time! :evil

[aesahaetr]

:rollin good one

[Furfur the Monk]

There was this bum who was running out of cash. He only had 10$ left. He was chosing between buying a 6-pack of beer, or food. He decides to buy beer and went to the liquor store and asked for the strongest beers they had. He got the beer and and sat down at his favourite spot, in the park. He drank it, and it was wonderful, but after a while he dosed off.

Then a man came walking in the park. He saw the sleeping bum and decided to give him a refreshing butt-fuck. After a few minutes when he was ready, and the bum had not woke up during the session, he felt sorry for the bum. Since he had quite alot of money he took a 10$ and put it in the bums back pocket. And then continued his walk through the park.

When the bum woke up he knew he didnt have any more money left. But since he was hungry, he searched through all his pockets and found a 10$ ! Again, he had the choise of beer and food. And again he chose the beer.

He bought it, passed out, on the same spot in the park. Once again the man passed him, did his thing, and left a 10$.

This continued for a week. Then, one day, when the bum went to the liquor store and said : I want the weakest beer you got. "The weakest?" Said the storekeeper, "why is that?" And the bum answered : The strong beer was great, but i get such a butt-ache from it.

[ThePerfectFlaw]

Fadorn wins. Haahaha

[Hubbe]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got
in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to give me a blowjob once we get there?"
"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks."
The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.


---

One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.
As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.
Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend John up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous women. Stunned,Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend John.
They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women. John replied "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. Everytime we're done having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, "Damn income taxes"!!!!!

---



There were a bunch of people on a plane. The pilot comes on and says: "The plane is having engine trouble, we're going to make a crash landing."
Everyone was silent. Suddenly, a lady jumps up, takes off all her clothes onto the floor and yells: "Is there anyone here who could make me the women I was meant to be?!?"
For a while, nothing happened. Then a man jumps up, takes off all his clothes and throws them at her feet and says: "Here! Wash those!"


----



At a San Francisco funeral parlor the wakes for three gay men were being held simultaneously. Their 'mates' happened to be at the funeral parlor at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes once their loved ones had been cremated.
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of hot chilli, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."


----


A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, " I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken".
"No", said the little girl, "She comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken."


----


Q. What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.


Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money

-----


Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Joe the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy. Nurses are known to be hot to trot".
The second man married a telephone operator. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself,” Wow, he's a lucky one. Telephone operators have sexy voices and once you pop that top button...”
The third man married a schoolteacher. Joe showed them to their room and thought to himself "poor guy, she's pretty but teachers are just too frigid".
The next morning Joe reported to work at 5:30 in the morning. He expected only the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute and the other two would call much later in the day.
At 6:00 a.m. the phone rings it's the nurse's husband wanting breakfast.
The nurse's husband opened the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
Joe asked, "What happened sir? You married a nurse, I thought nurses are known to be hot to trot?!”
The man sourly replies, "Son, don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying " you're not sanitary, you're not sanitary".
Joe went back down to the main desk to wait for the next call.
At 6:30 a.m. the telephone operator's husband calls for breakfast. Joe brings it as fast as possible hoping for the best.
The man opens the door and Joe stepped back in shock. The man's hair and pajamas were properly combed and pressed.
Joe asks," What happened? Telephone operators are supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
The man sourly replies "Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was her a nasal voice saying, "your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up."
Joe went back down to the desk, just knowing the teachers husband will be calling any minute.
Finally at 4:30 in the afternoon the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Joe can't believe it but quickly took the breakfast to the couples room.
The man opened the door and Joe took a step back in shock. He wore only his boxers and his hair was a mess. He had scratch marks on his chest, arms and legs.
Joe fearing the worst asked, " What happened to you? Did you have a fight?"
The man smiles and happily replies, "No. Son, when you marry be sure to marry a schoolteacher. All I heard last night was her sexy smooth voice saying, "We are going to do this over and over again, until you get it right."

[Slant Earthshaker]

What did the deaf, dumb and blind girl get for Christmas??


Cancer!

Master Damoiel Mindbend
Retired Enchanter of the 60th Season