The Dirty Joke Thread!!

[Dartaignon]

Rules are simple, post a dirty joke.

Why did the blonde screw a mexican?

Here English teacher told her to do an essay!

[Baltyn]

ummm....errrr......why is me head hurting??? someone shoot me now please

I don't know if you'll consider this dirty or not but...I always find it funny for some reason...here goes...

A little boy walks into a public restroom and heads towards the urinals. Standing at the urinal is a man in a Navy uniform. The little boy walks up next to him and says "Wow! Are you in the Navy?" The Squid...err...Navy guy says "Yeah...you wanna wear my hat?" The boy says "Sure!! Thanks!". So the Navy guy plunks the hat down on the boys head. A few seconds later a Marine comes in and stands on the other side of the boy. The boy looks at him in awe and says "WOW! Are you a Marine?" The Marine looks at the boy and says with a slight scowl "Yeah you wanna suck my dick?" The boy looks at him and shrugs towards the Navy guy and says "No...I'm just wearing this guy's hat".

A Snail walk into a bar and asks"Can i get a drink,please"?

The bartender says "We do not serve snails,get out"!

They proceed to get into an argument and the bartender FLICKS the snail out the door.

A week later the snail walks back in and the bartender says"Can i help you"?

And the snails says "What the fuck you did that for?!"

[Dartaignon]

Some good ones I had in my inbox this morning that inspired this thread.

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10."
The husband says, "What about one my size?"

His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.

The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

His wife says, "What about ones like mine?"

The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction."

--

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."
"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at his breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replied Gramps, "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!

[ThePerfectFlaw]

I don't get Sarr's joke. 8( Damn military humor.

[Maniacles]

..These are, perhaps, the nastiest jokes I know....


What good is an 11 year old girl in the shower?
If you slick her hair back, she looks like a 5 year old boy.

How do you know when your sister is on the rag?
Your dad's dick tastes like blood.

Ok, a husband walks into a sex-shop and tells the guy at the counter that he's after something that will really please his wife.

So the guy behind the counter rumages around for a while and finally: "Ah, here it is".
He pulls out an old wooden box and blows dust off the top.
"What is in this box was the first ever dildo. It was hand carved by a great voodoo master thousands of years ago and it has incredible powers".

He proceeded to open the box and there lay what looked like an astonishingly real, huge, erect penis.
"Of course this particular item is not cheap, but if you let me demonstrate i doubt you will refuse its purchase."

"Sure, go ahead, so long as you're not gonna bend over." the husband said.

"Oh don't worry I wouldn't do anything like that. Anyway, watch. Voodoo dildo, keyhole."

At that point, the dildo raised up into the air, flew across the room to the door, and started vigorously pumping against the keyhole.

"Oh my God!" said the husband, "That is incredible!"

"I thought you'd be impressed. Voodoo dildo, box"

The dildo then stopped and calmly hovered back over to the box and laid itself down. The lid closed tight.

"I'll take it I'll take it!"

When he returned home he excitedly presented the dildo to his wife and told her that all she has to do is to simply tell it what you want it to screw and it will perform incredible penetration.

The following day the husband had to go off to work.
Being at home with nothing much to do, the wife decided she was gonna give the voodoo dildo a try.

She laid the box down by the bed, took all her clothes off and said:

"Voodoo dildo my vagina."

The dildo flew out of the box and towards her, performing the best sex she ever had and ever will have.
After multiple orgasms she decided she wanted to give it a rest.

"Voodoo dildo, stop" she said, but nothing happened.
"Voodoo dildo, cease!" Still nothing.

She began to panic, so she grabbed her gown and ran to her car and proceeded to drive to the hospital to try and get it removed.

On the way there, she couldnt keep proper control of the car, swerving as the dildo kept giving her orgasms.

Nee-nor Nee-nor. A patrol car started chasing her so she eventually slowed down and pulled over.
The police officer got out of his car and came over to her, as she wound down the window.

"Madame, please step out of the car and take a breathilizer test." The officer said.

"Sir, i haven't been drinking," She said jitteringly "I have a voodoo dildo stuck inside me and i can't get it out!"

The police officer then said "Voodoo dildo, my arse."

[zarkarin]

HAHAHAHAH voodoo dildo... classic

How do you make a 6 year old girl cry twice?
Wipe your bloody dick on her teddy bear.